Raw Process

So today I'm sitting at McDonald's while my kids play in the Playplace after ingesting a healthy (irony!) dose of chicken nuggets and fries. If for no other reason, I love McDonald's for giving parents a place to sit with Wi-Fi and a giant fenced in playground that has no high places to fall from. In other words, McDonald's gets that sometimes parents just need a guilt-free break where both they and their children are happy and entertained. And just in case I need a refill, they're free. God bless you for that McDonald's!

Another reason I'm grateful is because some days you just need to be able to process. With a pregnant wife at home and three small children (so far...) getting away to do so is a tall order. So do I care that a creepy clown wearing too much yellow is staring at me while I do so (Ronald you've been wearing the same thing since the 60s, it's time!)? Um, heck no. This is the life of a parent.

Lately I find that most of my thought life consists of "why?" As in, why am I in Texas? Why did I have to move away from the home that I loved? Why am I stuck at yet another job that barely pays and I don't care about? Why would God spend so much time to build me up to not open any doors for me into anything I'm built to do? I hate "whys". Especially when there are no answers, at least no answers that make much difference. Unfortunately I can't escape them.

It's even worse when I check into my emotions. I have this incessant feeling of wanting to weep, and yet I can't actually do it. Somehow I know if I could there would be some release but the few times I've been willing to try and go deep, the tears never come.

Then there's the guilt. The guilt that I feel about the fact that I should be better than this. I should just be thankful for the fact my family is healthy and safe. Thankful that we have pretty much everything most people could ever ask for. I'm not lying when I say that I am thankful for that. Partly because I'd be stupid not to be, partly because I know what it's like to not have those things. And yet that thankfulness hasn't spread to my emotions. It hasn't taken away my questions. It hasn't changed the need in me for MORE.

I've never known a feeling quite like this. This lingering despair inside me despite favorable outward circumstances doesn't make sense. I want to dissect it to figure it out. But when I try it turns out not to be an autopsy of a past season but rather a painful vivisection where the patient is still alive, strong, and very averse to deep cuts. To cut deeply means to experience not only onsets of gushing blood, but also to encounter the kicking and screaming of someone desperately crying "STOP!!!" This is a patient who doesn't want to be cured. At least not until there's a diagnosis. But right now the diagnosis would be far too painful to get, requiring a biopsy without any numbing tools. The only choice at the moment is to live with the problem. It might not go away but at least it can be managed.

And manage I do for now. Day to day listlessly moving, looking for every instance of small joys and satisfactions just to keep going forward. The hug of my child, the victory of my sports teams, the dinner with friends, etc... These are the pills I pop. The pain I feel isn't so much gone but rather I've gotten more used to it. It's less now a frustrating new phenomenon but rather the familiar devil. I can mostly pretend it's long gone now. But when I actually look it's still there, a grinning sadist who keeps the dagger pressed in but always chooses neither to finish the job nor to pull back.

The one thing I know for sure about all of this is that now I can see clearly just how badly I was broken. Even the fuzziest eyesight sees lights and colors, and I believe that is what I'm starting to see. Legally blind but no longer in the dark, I can equate it to the person who was left at the altar by the love of their life. You still live, you can even find enjoyment in life. But rebounds are rebounds. Their fleeting pleasure may put salve in the wound but it still needs stitches. It still needs to heal over before you can operate at 100%.

Such are the feelings I find myself still facing.

And where is God in all of this? I know He's out there. I occasionally even feel His presence still. I hear Him saying He loves me. I hear Him saying it's going to be ok. As much as I'm capable I believe Him, although I'd be lying to say it's more than just an extension of my will. What once was so deeply ingrained in me as to steer even my emotions now is a fleeting thought I hold onto only by choice. Hope? I guess. If hope is simply choosing not to think of negative things then I'm doing better than before. But if hope is expecting better things to come than I am still sorely lacking. That kind of hope only awakens heartache.

What about faith? I still believe God is real. I still believe He's good. I still believe He even knows what's best for me and is somehow working that all out. What I've lost faith in is my own ability to have guidance for myself. I've lost the desire to have desires big enough that I need help to see them fulfilled. Dreaming has suddenly become a painful experience for me. Every glimpse I give myself or am given of the things I once loved to dream about just brings pain. As the lover watches his future leave with the turning away of his beloved, I feel the same. The last thing you want to believe is that you could ever love the same way again.

And that brings us to love. Even though I am currently incapable of letting it in, I still know I'm loved. I don't even know how, but I know. And while I don't really believe I will be able to love again, dream again, hope again as I once did, I can't ignore the fact that I've seen countless others restored. My heart doesn't believe it will ever happen again for me, but somehow I still know it will.

Which brings me to know that somehow, God is still at work in all of this. For I cannot feel any hope. I cannot bring myself to dream. I can't even face my emotions. I can't look at mountains without longing to go home, I can't think of the past few months without hating myself for risking it all. I can't look ahead in my life without thinking of how it all will come crashing down again if I even start to get excited. I fill my day with the distractions of work, football, podcasts, reading, movies and Playstation. Anything that means I don't have to look at myself or think about life. But amidst all this there is something still and small, inexpressible yet unwavering in me that knows, just knows, that this isn't forever. It's something that can only be God in me, for if it were only up to me it wouldn't be there at all.

The other day my wife told me that most of my blogs lately had been lifeless, and she was right. I'd been trying to dig up something that wasn't there. Trying to conjure passion that was really a flawed avatar of my real self. Now that I'm sitting here, processing at McDonald's (and just about ready for another refill), I can see why, and I really look forward to when it's over. I so look forward to finding joy in quiet moments again. I so look forward to optimism being my natural predisposition. I eagerly will embrace the moment I re-enter the feeling of hope, the actual joy of knowing everything is working out for the best. I so look forward to being able to love something so much I'd risk for it again. I miss that freedom, and thinking of these things even now wells my eyes up with tears. The missing of them is all I feel. But they will come back. Somehow, although I don't really believe it, I know they must, I know they will. I know they have to. Thank God for that.

You're Worth It

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

God knows we're worth it
    - Jason Mraz


I don't deserve the love of God. I really don't deserve any good thing. Which one of us does? I often feel like I do, but what a joke that is. What a dishonest feeling. We have all done so many horrible things to ourselves, to one another, we really don't deserve anything.

Even the best of us, those who probably have done more good than bad in the world, don't deserve a thing. It doesn't matter how you look at it. If you believe in God, then you don't deserve anything because your life is not your own. The very first sin in your life disqualified you from deserving anything, and which one of us has only sinned once anyways? If you don't believe in God, then you don't deserve anything either. How could someone who's life is a cosmic accident deserve anything? What a foolish notion that is.

What a funny word, deserve. Such a word of entitlement. How can we be entitled to anything? The best any of us could be is someone who truly only lives to improve the lives of others. That person, that perfect person who doesn't exist 100% of the time anywhere, might deserve something, but they wouldn't accept it anyways. They certainly would never feel entitled or "deserving."

Just the thought of deserving something means we don't deserve it. What a paradox.

Yet anyone who claims they've never felt they deserve something is a liar. I certainly would be. I feel it more often than I care for anyone to know.

Where does that come from? Who am I to dare think I deserve something?

In order to feel you deserve something, you have to believe you're worth something. You have to believe you and what you have to offer in life are valuable.

This is where it gets even crazier. How could we be worth anything? If there is a God and we are sinners against Him, there's no logical way we can have value. If there isn't a God and we are just here, we have even LESS worth. There is no meaning to our life and therefore no value to it.

But somehow we just know we are worth something. How is this possible?

There's only one truly possible answer; because God says we are.

We are worth something to God, and somehow we know it. Even the person who has chosen to turn his back on God and hate Him knows deep inside that he is worth something. Which of course, shouldn't make sense to this person. Because without God, you can't have a sense of value.

God says we're worth something, then He proved it by sacrificing the ultimate sacrifice. He entered a world full of sin, suffering,pain and torment and died just to have relationship with us again. He did this instead of wiping us all out and starting over. We didn't deserve it, we still don't, but we were worth it to Him.

He won't give up on us. Never. He hasn't given up on me, and I can't see why. I've sung praises to Him on Sunday morning and been drunk partying just hours later. There are very few sins I haven't committed at one time or another in my life. I've lied and I've cheated. I've manipulated people for my own purposes. I've felt entitled to a lot in my life and been ticked when I didn't get it.

And despite all this foul behavior, God still says I'm worth something. I'm worth something so dear to Him that He won't give up on me.

For a long time I've been trying to understand the love of God. For a long time I've been trying to decipher somehow how to explain it intellectually. I'm not alone. Much of the western church is doing the same thing.

But there is no explaining it. There is only experiencing it. As simple as that sounds it's not easy, because we make it hard. I've been a self-proclaimed Christian for most of my life, and I'm only just starting to understand this. Why? Because I, like so many others, keep making it hard on myself.

But He's not giving up on me.

My most amazing experiences with God are when I just shut up, get alone, and let Him take over. It's there where He speaks to me, it's there where I can physically feel Him. It's there where all my worries, all my fears, all my disappointments just fade away. It's there where I understand what peace, faith, and true love really are.

And somehow five minutes later I can go back to those things. But I'm learning that it's ok when I make that mistake. It's ok because I'm worth it, it's ok because He's never giving up on me.

I don't deserve it, but it's true. You don't deserve it either, but it's true.

I don't know about you, but that is a really freeing thought. I remember when I was entering my senior year of high school. My mom sat me down one night and said, "Paul, we trust you. You aren't going to have a curfew all year. Just be safe."

When she told me that, when she gave me that freedom, suddenly I didn't want to push any boundaries. I didn't want to fight for more. I had been given a great gift (just ask any 17 year old!), and I wanted to take care of it. I didn't deserve it. Just the year before I had been busted for partying and being in a car with a drunk driver who drove us into a river. Yeah, I definitely shouldn't have been trusted.

But they trusted me anyways. And because they did, I took ownership and didn't do anything all year to break their trust.

If only the church would realize that God has done the same thing with us. He's told us what is valuable to Him. He's explained to us what sin is. He's explained to us the consequences. But when we say yes to Jesus, He turns right back to us and says,

"Ok, you are in my house now. You are my beloved child. You can have as much relationship with me as you want. I've told you what is good for you and what isn't. I've told you how to please me. Now here's the keys. By the way, there's no curfew. And if you screw up, I'll still love you. I'll never give up on you, and together, we'll get there. How long it takes you is your decision, but I'm not going anywhere."

He doesn't give us a list of rules. He doesn't give us a list of "do this or else!" He gives us permission to grow. He gives us the ability to choose. We can keep choosing to sin and He won't love us any less. Yeah, we're definitely going to have to deal with the consequences of our choices, but Jesus isn't sitting there shaking His head at us. When we wreck the car of our lives and go to Him with our heads down, He runs to us and hugs us. He brings us home and invites us to rest with Him and get our wounds healed. He tells us that we probably won't get to drive for a while, but He isn't concerned about keeping things from us. He's concerned about getting us better prepared for the next one.

Why?

Because we're worth it. Because He won't give up on us.

If I could tell the people of the world one thing it'd be this: You are so loved. You are so amazing. God isn't mad at you. He's sitting at home thinking about you, waiting for you to come spend time with Him. No matter what you've done it's not enough. He's not planning how to punish you. He's not upset you haven't called. He's just eager to show you a better way. A better way that starts with never being alone again, because as long as you want Him around He'll be there with you. He's not going to track you down if you don't want Him to, but He'll come flying if you cry out in need for Him. He's the best Father you could ever hope for. We don't deserve Him, but it doesn't matter.

Because we're worth it. Because He won't give up on us.

Wow.

Surprise! The World is Actually Getting Better

"This, then, is how you should pray:

'Our Father in heaven,
Hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth, as it is in heaven...'"

         -Jesus

I see it almost every day. From postings on Facebook to stories in the news to predictions by Christian leaders.

"The President is trying to destroy America. It's like what's in Revelation!"

"The world is falling apart. These are the end-times!"

"The one-world government is forming."

"The last great war is coming."

*Insert whatever you've heard here*

People are getting scared by what they're seeing on TV or reading in the news. Every bad story seems to be yet another confirmation that the end is near. I mean, that's what Jesus warned us about right? There will be wars and rumors of wars, nations against nations, famines and earthquakes, and then persecutions (Matthew 24).

Yikes. Check, check, check and check!

But there's a problem here. The problem is that ALL of those could be checked off for the entire history of life since Christ said those words. That's not a misconception, it's a fact. Anyone who has studied history for more than five minutes can see that.

So why does it seem so much worse now? Yes, the rise of ISIS and the War on Terror can be scary things. They are definitely terrible things.

But compared to the Nazis and Japanese in World War II they are small-time.

Christians and other faiths are being killed for their beliefs by these terrorists. They are also being killed in India and China and other countries that don't believe in religious freedom.

But there was a time when no one lived in religious freedom. Especially not Christians. (Anyone ever heard of Nero?)

Ebola is killing thousands of people in Africa and now has come to America. Sure it hasn't killed any Americans yet, but it might.

But the Black Plague killed 1/3 of Europe, well over 20 million people. In 1918-19 a flu pandemic killed nearly 30 million people worldwide, including 700,000 Americans.

And yes, America as we know it is struggling. We are having a tough time getting our economy back on track and our government doesn't seem to be helping.

But have you ever heard about the Great Depression? Or how about the Civil War? America has survived FAR worst times in our history. This current struggle is a relative blip on the radar.

The astounding truth is that the world has been getting better for humanity for centuries now. The only thing which makes it seems worse is the fact that now we are inundated with 24-hour news cycles of bad news. Here's a news flash: Bad news SELLS. And it is EVERYWHERE. When once we didn't know much more beyond what one local paper reported on, we now have worldwide reports streaming in instantly. The world is better, but our access to information makes it SEEM worse.

Try turning off the news for a month, then notice how much better life seems.

Don't believe me? Let's look at some statistics.

In the last 80 years alone, life expectancy has risen by nearly 20 years (59.7 to 78.7) for the average American.

While the poverty rate has remained consistent for the past 50 years, the state of what poverty means has not. In America, most poor people have private shelter (home or apartment), television, a vehicle, easy access to food, and air conditioning. 

In most of the western world, including America, crime rates have been plummeting for 30 years straight.

This is in America, but the rest of the world is seeing improvements as well. You just have to do the research.

This isn't to discount the issues we do face. The facts are that people are still starving, even in America. We have plenty of problems to face and much of the world is not as blessed as we are.

But does that mean the world is ending? I can't find any evidence that supports that. Through all the atrocity in the world, through all the darkness, the truth is that there is still more light out there than there has ever been. We need to recognize this so that we can see that the battle is being won. Even though sometimes the improvements come slow, painfully slow even, and that they face setbacks, overall the improvements ARE coming.

Christians, we are some of the worst about this. We need to stop looking for reasons to expect the end and start living to improve what is before us. We also need to realize that we do make a difference when we work towards it.

And while some of us might still "yearn" for the "good ol days" of the past, we need to be honest and recognize that those times, even if they were "better" for us personally, might not have been better for the rest of the world. We need to celebrate instead that the world is, in fact, getting better, and do our part to make sure that trend continues.

I do believe that there will be an end to life as we know it here someday. But life is too short and the prophecies about that time too mysterious for us to dwell on trying to figure them out. Jesus was clear that not only He knew the time, only the Father. So why do we think we can figure it out? In the meantime, Jesus came to improve our lives and I believe that also means the world. If things are going to get worse before the end, well then we can tell that it's certainly not happening right now. But even it if was, it's not our place to worry about it.

Jesus was clear that we were to be ready, and by that He meant to be ready in our hearts and how we live. He never said to cry "wolf!" at every sign of bad news, provoking fear in the hearts of everyone in our path. That was never the intent of the Gospel. The Gospel is Good News, not focused on what was wrong with the world but instead focused on the solutions for the human heart.

So next time you hear someone proclaiming the end, just move on. Next time you hear that the world is falling apart, remember how much more blessed you are to live today than during a World War or under a time period where you'd be killed for believing the wrong thing. When problems become known, pray and think about how you can help instead of ringing the fear alarm, and trust that God will give the willing a solution. He's been doing it for millennia, He won't stop now.