A Request: Ladies, Help Save this Generation of Men

Ladies, I have a request.

It might seem like I'm asking a lot, and maybe I am. But I need your help. I can't do it without you.

You see, for a long time now we men have been losing out identity. We have been losing track of who we are created to be. I would like to say it's no one's fault, but it's actually the fault of a lot of people. It's the fault of the media, the school system (especially higher education), and the political system. It's the fault of men who bought the lies that they were inherently evil and taught us to think the same, it's the thought of women who encouraged this thinking. Look, I'm not making this up. It has been explored by others much smarter than me (see here, or here, or here).

The world, at least those controlling most of our cultural thinking, has turned against us. Yeah, we put up a good fight for a long time, but we've tired. After years and years of being told we're terrible just for being male, after being given drugs as children simply because we had more energy, after being constantly taught that out natural instincts are oppressive and dangerously violent, we have really started to believe that there is something wrong with us. Of course, that doesn't change the way we feel. It doesn't change that we HAVE those instincts and desires. We can't just shut them off.

So we have gotten stuck. We've been told that women want companions more like them; soft, tender, compassionate, etc... but then when we act that way we get overlooked or rejected. We've been told that we shouldn't take as much risk, that we shouldn't be so bold, and that our instincts are wrong, so we stick it out in jobs that make us miserable because we are afraid of ourselves. We learn not to dream because our dreams are dumb. We have been taught that the things we like are bad, so we have grown resentful or depressed.

Because we are stuck we have started to retreat. Many of us have turned to pornography because we feel rejected by women. I know I did at one point of my life. Most of us are addicted to video games because in them we can be a part of a world where we matter, we make a difference. We have grown accustomed to living our lives artificially because in the outside world we don't feel safe to be ourselves. Or we turn to alcohol, simply to escape, or maybe to find courage that we would otherwise lack as our thinking gets hazy.

I'm appealing to you because I'm one of those men, and I don't even have it as bad as most. I was blessed to be raised by a real man who knew his identity and taught me much. I am still blessed to have a relationship with God which consistently gives me strength to get back on track. And yet, I still struggle despite these advantages. I struggle with fear of failure. I struggle with wanting to escape often. I struggle with whether or not it's ok to like the things I love; things like sports (especially football) or war movies. I struggle because I'm told that violence is incredibly evil, yet I want to jump at the chance to engage in competitive physicality. I don't want to hurt anyone, I just crave adventure and the thrill of the hunt.

I can't change these things about myself, neither can any of us men. But we're told its wrong. We live in places where there is little to no outlet for us. We live discouraged as a result. This is why many days my favorite two hours is at night when the family is sleeping, when I get to go explore new worlds or hit the game-winning shot... on my Playstation. 

Ladies, the reason I need your help is because society has deemed you the favorites. Look, I know you still have your problems too. I know that there is plenty men need to do to help you as well. We need to assure you that you're beautiful, we need to pursue you, protect you, empower you. You need us, just like we need you. We men have harmed you, belittled you, taken you for granted. We really don't deserve your help.

But we need it.

The biggest reason we're not available to be what you need is because we have lost who we are. We have misplaced our identity. No, it's not all of us, not at all. But it is most of us. Most of us that are teenagers into our 40s. Those are the years most affected by this. The generations that have grown up being told we are messed up because we are male. We are the ones who have been raised in a society that consistently tries to rewire men into something we are not or ever will be.

So what am I asking for? Not a whole lot, at least, I don't think so. What we need from you is not an establishment of our identity as males. That's the job of our fathers and male mentors. It's their job to teach us how to be men, it's their responsibility (unfortunately many of them have failed us, but that's for another time). We shouldn't and couldn't honestly expect you to teach us how to be male, you wouldn't know where to start.

What we need isn't too hard, but it's incredibly important.

We need affirmation. We need to know it's ok to be us. We need to know you love us even when you don't understand us. I'm talking to you mothers, sisters, wives, and friends. As men we need to be encouraged and respected. I'm not asking you to support us if we're abusive or negligent. I'm not asking you to ignore and enable us if we are involved in an addiction. No, there are things that males tend to get involved in that are harmful which should not be made alright. My request is that the fear of those things does not create disapproval of male qualities that are good and inherent.

We crave adventure and risk which means that we will often fail as well as have great successes if we are living fully. We need encouragement and support through that. Most of us will automatically drift towards tales of heroism and valor, which means that most of us will enjoy movies which contain violence or will flock to sports. This isn't a character flaw, but rather a source of our inspiration. We want to be strong, we want to be courageous, and we want to use our strength for good. We need this to be encouraged and be free to pursue such things, even if you don't get it. It is when these things are not healthily pursued that men become repressed and turn to bitterness, rage, and then either harmful violence or detachment. Our good qualities get perverted into bad when we are not allowed to grow in them correctly.

I realize this might sound crazy to many of you, and that's fine. All we need is for you to listen and understand that this is what we need. We need these things to be better for you, for our families, and for ourselves.

Ladies, we adore you! Even those of us who have been hurt still crave your attention. We may be broken, we may have become bitter, but we can always come back.

The next time you hear that "chivalry is dead" please remember that it's not. It has been stifled and repressed, absolutely. But I assure you as a man that most of us really want to be chivalrous. Most of us really want to be your "knight in shining armor." We want to give you the things that make you come alive. The problem is that for years we've been told that those things which make us come most alive are wrong. We've been told that the world doesn't really want us, it just wants more women. So we either tried to be that and found we couldn't, or we just got tired of not being wanted. Either way, many of us have given up. With your help, we can find our way back. A little affirmation, encouragement, and freedom to go after those things that you don't quite understand will make a world of difference.

I know that most of you have been hurt by us as well, and I am sorry for that. We have failed you, over and over again. So I ask for your forgiveness as well. As a man I know that we make a lot of mistakes, but I also know that, given the chance, we can be really excellent at making up for those mistakes.

This may seem like a lot, especially if we've hurt you. But we need it. We need you. Please help us get back on track. We are so ready to come alive again, to retake our place in the grand scheme of things. To be real men full of strength and vision. Full of passion and tenderness, adventurousness and loyalty. The need for this return is great.

As a man who recognizes this issue I give you my word that I am doing what I can to give men back their identities. I father my son to be himself but to also value and cherish the difference in a woman. I love to mentor other men into knowing it's ok to be themselves. I believe in men being men. Real men, men who value and empower women while also pursuing their dreams. Men who are responsible but also unafraid. I believe it is a call on my life to help them become who they are meant to be.

And in my experience the scariest thing to these men is you. Women. They are terrified to disappoint you, they are frightened of being rejected by you. You have so much more power over how a man grows into manhood than you could possibly know. They want to be what they believe you want them to be, what the culture tells them you want. When they find out that it's all a lie they grow disheartened, they start to give up.

So please, let them know the truth. Let them know that you want a "nice guy" but that doesn't mean "feminized." Let them know that they can inspire you by being bold and brave. Give them the freedom to pursue their adventures.

We need you. Help us save a generation. Help us be men again. We can't do it without you.

The Hope for America

Anyone else tired of all the nitpicking, backbiting, infighting, slandering ineptitude of our political leadership? What about the incessant, bigoted, uneducated, hateful ramblings from regular people on both sides of the spectrum that invade our social media feeds? Anyone tired of that as well?

There are some major problems in our nation right now, that's obvious. This bickering is a major part of it. I can say this as someone who isn't an outsider, but as someone whose been a major part of the problem as well. I used to love political rants. I would go on them almost daily on my Facebook page or to anyone nearby within earshot; to willing and unwilling listeners. I did this because I really loved my country, but I also fully believed I knew how to fix it and was willing to blame those who didn't (which always seemed to be the people in charge). I believed in this so much I pursued it in college as a Political Science major. I had full confidence in this ability of mine, of my own understanding, and as a result I had a lot of people who admired me, as well as a long list of those who couldn't stand me. I can write this because I have been in the muck.

So what was wrong with that? What's wrong with having strong beliefs and taking a stand? Nothing. Nothing, as long as it's done in love. Everything if it isn't.

This is about the time that most people who don't believe in God or spiritual realities are probably going to check out. That's fine. You're on your own journey and if you don't want glimpses of mine there's no hard feelings. But it's time to step back from liberalism and conservatism and see the truth of what's going on.

There is an enemy in this world that has been destroying nations since the inception of nations. It is dastardly, fiendish, subtle and brilliant. It has influenced the most foolish people in the world and the most brilliant. It has consumed the most strident atheist and overtaken the minds of many Christians. It is the Political Spirit, and its power is in convincing man that he has all the answers and that he must get power to institute them.

This spirit cleverness is in convincing man that his idea is the only way. It is in getting man (or woman) to believe that they are wise. The Political Spirit puffs man up to the point that every other opinion or idea must be crushed and seen as the enemy. It thrives in creating an "us against them" mentality. It works to focus man on problems rather than solutions. It breeds hate and dissension. In short, it is ingenious at getting man to focus on everything else but where all the answers really lie, in God.

The last few years have seen our country influenced more by this spirit than ever before. We are catering to its whims. We have let it infect our thoughts, our emotions, our faith. Those of us that are Christians carry the most blame, for we should know better. Instead we have let our pulpits become places where we ignite political fires. We have let our political affiliation become a stronger identity than our heavenly one. We have let too many of our own use Biblical truth as justification for hatred and judgment, pushing those we disagree with further away. We have denied the power of the Gospel to unify and change. We have allowed the political spirit to convince us that things are getting worse, that hope is dwindling. In doing so we have denied Christ by belittling Him to a masthead of either strict, legalistic conservatism or all-inclusive, Grace-fueled universal acceptance of sinful nature liberalism. In doing so we have forgotten that He is so much more than either and beholden to neither.

People aren't listening to us because they don't feel safe with us. They don't feel loved. This goes all the way up to our President, whom we as Christians have done a shameful job in honoring. We have become no better than those who despised President Bush. The Bible is pretty clear about how we should honor our authority. Christians then were still loving Nero even when he burned them on stakes to provide light for his nightly walks. What's our excuse to not love our own President?

Christians, it's time to wake up! It's time to refocus onto our First Love, onto our Lord, Savior, and Perfecter of our Faith. It's time to stop reading the Gospel through political lenses and instead let God speak to us. It's time to stop letting morality be an excuse for judgment. It's time to stop seeing those who disagree with us as enemies and instead embrace them. Love is the only way we can change the world. Love is the gift and power that Christ has given us. Love is patient, gentle and kind, our political bantering is none of those things.

As we shift our focus a wonderful thing will happen. Hope floods back in! Love overcomes! We discover quickly that God has not forsaken our nation, He has not judged it and left it behind. He is at work! Suddenly those who we disagree with become people to us again. We suddenly find that we have much more in common than we previously believed. As we look back to Christ He changes how we see others. Suddenly there are no more liberals and conservatives, there are just people. As we love them we find that fear goes away, and suddenly we can work together for answers. We once again all become Americans who are in it together.

It starts with us, it starts at the ground level. If we want to change Washington we need to stop screaming at them and instead start loving those around us. As we do so the waves of change will come. As we start to see value in everyone despite their differences we will find that reasonable solutions can be found. Will there be outliers who cannot be worked with? Absolutely. But why are we worried about them? Christ certainly wasn't. He just kept going and loving more. Why are we so quick to ignore the actions of the one who had the solutions? Why are we so quick to shut off His voice in our lives?

The hope for America is and always has been in Him. It's not in our Constitution, it's not in International Law, it's not in the next election or the next sweeping legislation. Those can all be wonderful things, but they are not our hope. As believers we have no excuse to forget this. We have no excuse to stop loving others or to treat them as if they are stupid. When we deny our faith by putting our politics first we not only are sinning but we are hurting the image of Christ to all those who do not know Him.

Yet Hope abounds for out nation! And we must recognize it in order to be encouraged. The Founding Fathers of our nation gave us a great gift, and I don't mean the Constitution. They gave us a start, a birth that no other nation in history has had. We were the first nation born free. We were the first nation which had the spirit of freedom inbred in us from the beginning. In God's infinite wisdom He knew this, and because of this we have the greatest advantage of winning our spiritual battles of any nation in history. The proof is everywhere even in darker times. The people, when encroached upon, consistently fight back on the side of freedom. No matter what our beliefs, we are ingrained to believe that "no man can control me." This is a God-given gift of being born an American. The spirit of freedom, true freedom, freedom to love, freedom to serve, freedom to pursue relationship, is the nature of Christ. It is a powerful force, and it always wins once it is experienced.

America is not lost. It is not beyond saving. God is good, and He loves our nation as He loves all nations. He also always finishes what He starts, and there is no denying that He started something wonderful in our nation. People of America, especially we who believe in God. it's time to let hope come back in. It's time to focus on and live as Christ empowers us. If we truly love our nation more than ourselves then answer the Call. The answer to saving our nation all lies in our willingness to pursue Him first above all in our individual and corporate lives. In doing so we will find ears deaf to our shouting become open to our whispers. That is how revival starts. That is how nations are changed.

All it takes is us saying "YES!" to Him. How easy is that?

The Weakness of Theology

The last couple years of my life have changed everything for me. When you decide to really go after God everything shifts. Two and a half years ago I made the decision to be all-in. I made the choice to go after all that I had believed to be true but with no more safety net to keep me comfortable. I decided to put my faith to the test. Of course, I didn't know it at the time.

Long story short, I decided to go back to school in order to pursue that which I believed was my call in life; the call of ministry. What I thought was me simply making a pursuit toward a career and desire turned out to be so much more. The decision I made ended up becoming much more than I had ever imagined. The time since has been the most challenging and the most rewarding of my life. It has also changed me in ways I never believed possible.

The story of what happened is for another time, at least for those who don't already know it. I want to talk about something I've learned.

If you had talked to me or known me before I left home, you would have known someone who was very learned in theology, politics, and other things. But those were the two most important to me. I loved God and I also loved my understanding of God. I believed every word of the Bible and I made all points of my worldview through that understanding. I was also extremely politically conservative, being a huge fan of all things Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, and [insert intelligent conservative ideologue]. They were my political muses, and politically I was a less popular extension of them.

Many things have since changed, although probably not in the ways you expect me to say. For the political-minded who might be wondering, I apologize because I'm not going to expand my thinking on the subject in this post. For those interested in my faith journey, this post is for you.

A funny thing happens when you get closer to God. It's cliche to say but no less true that the more you pursue understanding Him, the further you realize you are from just that. The infinite nature of God only begins to take shape as you grow to know Him. I had always heard people say that before, but had never experienced it myself.

I was, and still am extremely theologically learned. Part of it is due to being raised by a master theologian, and part of it is from pursuing it on my own from the time of my adolescence. I have learned from many, many brilliant theological thinkers as well as from my own studies. It is something that I once relied on as a great strength of mine.

Looking back now, I see that confident young theologian and shake my head. I knew so much, yet I knew so little. The past years have taught me something I never understood then, they have brought me realization which I never had before. Before all my learning had been the biggest part of my relationship with God. I had personal relationship as well, but it was limited to what I understood. I put God into my box of understanding. I put God, all of God, into the Bible and my other learnings. I had made my theology more than it was.

What I didn't know then that I know now is that one of the first things God does when you truly pursue Him is destroy your preconceived notions. He is loving, so He doesn't do it before He knows we're committed to it. But once we say "here I come" with all our heart He starts. Before you know it you start wondering if you even know what you believe anymore. He lets it all be challenged, and we have two choices: we can fight it or we can roll with the waves. Either way He's going to win out and we'll be changed, we just determine the duration of the change.

Why does He do this? What seems so cruel and hard is actually the most loving thing He could do for us who already thought we understood so much. He's taking us back to the source. He's teaching us that He's real, and that He is much more interested in relationship with us than He is about us understanding Biblical concepts.

And therein is the weakness of theology. For all the good of it, which is paramount, it is not enough. Our theology is worthless outside of relationship with Him. If He is not real to us, if He is not a part of our lives as a living person then all our knowledge of Him is wasted. It may help us teach others, or preach a good sermon, or live "good" lives, but if we are doing those things apart from spending time with Him then that theology is only driving us further from Him. To study God without God involved belittles Him in our lives. Theology outside of relationship is religion, and religion is death.

In the infamous Matthew 7:22-24 Jesus is warning the disciples of this exact danger. He tells them of those out there doing the work of God, but when they come before Him Jesus tells them, "Away from me, I never knew you." Great theology never saved a soul, only relationship does.

The single greatest danger in the church is that it becomes full of great theologians and empty of sons and daughters of God. A church reliant fully on its understanding of God and not focused on leading people into relationship is doomed to fail. It is also doomed to create prideful, judgmental people. A church full of theologians but devoid of relationship is the Christian Church that the world hates. That is the church spewing out political hatred and calling down judgment on the world. It is a church that believes it understands God but truly doesn't know Him. It is a church that believes it is better than the people it lives amongst.

God never meant for us to have all the answers. He never meant for us to find all of Him within the pages of the Bible. Is the Bible true? Absolutely. Is it useful and important? Infinitely! Is it all we are to know of God? Not at all. The Bible is the beginning of revelation of God. It is the foundation we build upon. It is the Word of God. All of the Bible is of God, but not all of God is in the Bible. That is the weakness of theology.

The last season of my life I have lost everything I ever held onto for comfort that was inside me, everything that was from my own understanding and power. In losing that I found that He is the answer, and He is so much more than I ever could have understood without being broken first. He is so much more loving, so much more caring, so much more giving, so much more understanding, and so much better than I ever could have understood in my theology. Even though my theology was mostly right it didn't matter. It didn't matter because my relationship with Him wasn't the center of it. Instead of spending time with Him I just grabbed more books or listened to more sermons. Those were my go-to, while they should have been my secondary source.

I write this now to help set you free as well. I want you to know Him as I do. I've known too many who had good theology but lost their faith when hard times came, all because their faith was in that theology and not in Him. Those that know Him are the heroes of the faith Those that know Him are willing to die for Him. If you've never experienced relationship with Him but just believe the Word, then it's time to go deeper. The Word, the Bible, is meant to lead you to Him, it's not meant to give you all you need. It's meant to be the starter and the supplement to relationship with Him. It's mean to steer the compass, but it's not meant to encompass. He is so much bigger, and He is so ready to be right there with you through it all.

Getting to know Him, really know Him, has been the greatest journey of my life. It is far from over, but even the shift in focus has brought greater freedom than I've ever known before. I still study, and I still listen to sermons. I still read my Bible. But I never do those things on my own any more. The focus is now always on, "what are YOU saying to me here?" It's a process I get to carry out through relationship, and it's amazing what I get to learn as a result. Failure now is no longer something to be ashamed of but an opportunity to grow. Relationship with Him means I have permission to take questions to Him, it means I have permission to feel my emotions without feeling guilty. He is such a safe place, and His love has nothing to do with our perfection. Rather the more you spend time with Him the more perfection grows in you naturally, for we become whatever it is we behold.

God is not just God in that distant way we think of Him when all we are is theologians. He is Father, Papa, Daddy! He is our best friend and our greatest advocate. He is everything we need Him to be in our lives and more.

It's time to stop only accepting the gift Jesus gave us of salvation through the Cross, and start to walk in the gift of relationship we were also given now that the power of sin has been broken and we have been adopted. We don't have to wait until we die to know God on a personal level. God our Father is awaiting us with open arms, whether we know our theology or not. All we have to is run to Him, and as we do watch the world around us change with us.

The Cry of the Orphan

I am writing this not to shame you but to warn you as my dear children. Even if you had ten thousand guardians in Christ, you do not have many fathers, for in Christ Jesus I became your father through the gospel. Therefore I urge you to imitate me.                - 1 Corinthians 14-16

Two days from now is Thanksgiving Day. It used to be my second favorite holiday after Christmas. I was raised in a family that embraced the holidays and filled them with traditions that always gave us something to look forward to every year. Not only that, my parents always made sure that the door was open to any of those who might be alone on the holiday. We were going to love people outside our own family on Thanksgiving, it was just part of the tradition.

For me Thanksgiving meant not only eating a lot and sharing time with family, it meant family competitions. Every year we'd play at least one board game together. Every year we'd watch a family movie together. Every year we'd all be in one house for an entire day, and hilarity would ensue. Thanksgiving at the home of Wolf and LaDonn Krismanits was always full of joy from beginning to end, and it always met or exceeded expectations. This is one of the greatest gifts my parents ever gave me.

Then it all changed two years ago. Two years ago this week my parents both died as their car was hit by someone who ran a red light. They died as they were returning from my dad receiving a clean bill of health after recovering from heart surgery. This year the anniversary of their death falls exactly on Thanksgiving Day. Obviously, that changes everything.

But this is not a post about Thanksgiving. It isn't even going to be a post memorializing my parents.
I've already written those posts, and it's too painful to write them again right now. Yet this week I'm confronted by both of those things; the joyful memories of Thanksgiving and the sorrowful pangs of great loss are stirring in me hourly right now. All of this, on top of the trying season of my life I've been in, has forced me to make a decision; run away or process and learn.

I've chosen to process. And if I've learned anything in this season and from the death of my parents it is this: we can't do life alone. We can't move ahead in life alone. We can't be happy alone.

From the time I was born until they passed away, my parents were my biggest cheerleaders. They believed in me wholeheartedly and they never, ever let me go a minute in my life without knowing it. As it pertained to my dreams and ambitions, the word "can't" was illegal in my family. If I purposed to do something my parents would do two things. One, they would voice to me any concerns they had and help me understand what my decision meant as far as sacrifice and effort required. They would do this once. After I had heard them out I would either stick with the decision or change my mind. Which brings me to the second thing they would do. After I had made my choice for good, they would support me with every ounce of their being. If they disagreed they would never let me know. They would love me with everything they could, letting me know they proud of me and that I could do it. In my entire life I can't think of one time I felt discouraged by my parents when it came to going after my dreams.

I believe that because of them and the way they chose to believe in me I was pretty fearless in life. They taught me personal responsibility by not allowing me to drive until I had a job and could pay my own insurance and gas. They were empowering without being enabling. My parents encouraged risk, and they always helped me back up when I failed. Because of them I was brave enough to travel at a young age. Because of them I had the guts to try new things. I knew I was loved and believed in no matter what.

As long as they were alive I can see that I was always moving ahead in life. I did well in school and was involved in many activities. I would get new jobs and be promoted quickly. I was always trying new things. I wanted to see a new place, so I would go. I wasn't afraid of money or failure. I always knew I was covered and safe.

As I grew and encountered disappointments in life my parents still believed and even fought for me. They were my greatest advocate. When I was moving back to California from North Carolina during the horrible economy of 2009, my parents spread the word of my return and I had 4 job offers immediately. When I was laid off and couldn't pay rent my mom spoke out on our behalf and got us help. When I was working dead end jobs I was still moving forward in my dreams of ministry because people respected my father and trusted him when he said "my son can do this too." Thanks to them I always had someone to push me and encourage me all at once. They knew exactly how to speak to me to keep me hoping and moving forward. They knew how to make me feel safe even when things were seemingly falling apart.

I didn't realize I had lost all of that until recent months. When I was at school at Bethel I was in a culture of encouragement, empowerment, and risk-taking. Because I was in school for another 18 months after my parents passed, I never had to face the full reality of what I had lost in their death. Now, 6 months after graduating, I fully understand. The last few months have been the loneliest of my life.

I'm learning that all the things I had accomplished over the years that felt like I did by myself were never by myself. I'm learning that I was that person because of who was behind me. Even when their support was 99% from the shadows, it was still there. Now the covering is not the same, and neither is my life.

This is not to say that I don't have people in my life who believe in me, for I know I do. But for all the goodness those people have shown me it isn't quite the same. They aren't parents. They can't tell me that "no matter what, we're here for you." At least not in the same all-encompassing way. People have supported our family financially and blessed us with encouragement, of which I am extremely grateful for. Yet none of them can offer me the certainty of knowing that "if you fail, we'll be here to get you back on your feet." And while there are those who would take us in if we needed it, but they aren't calling weekly to say "how are you doing? We believe in you. You're doing so good! Is there anything you need to talk about?" I'm starting to realize how much I needed that, how much we all do.

We all need parents in our lives, whether they be by blood or by choice. We need someone to invest their love and belief in us without restriction. It's true that people do amazing things as orphans, but they are never complete. I never learned how to do life as an orphan, and so now I'm stranded, trying to figure it out. But to be honest, I don't want to figure it out. In the church especially, I shouldn't have to. We are all meant to be fathered and mothered, and we're all meant to give that to someone else as well. It's what God intended for us, and it's the surest, most complete way for us all to reach the destiny we are meant to reach.

My intent here is not to complain, but to inspire by igniting hearts to solve a great need out there. I'm an orphan and I need parents. I'm not the only one either. Whether you have no parents or your parents have neglected you or treated you wrongly, you may be an orphan too. And it's ok to recognize that. We all need parents the way God meant us to have parents.

We also all need to find someone to believe in. Men you need to father someone, women you need to mother someone. It doesn't matter if they are your blood or not. Find someone to love and believe in who doesn't have spiritual or natural parents, and give them all you would give your own child. They need you, probably more than they even know. Pour your love into them, your encouragement, and your covering. Let them know that you will be there for them if they fail, and keep lovingly pushing them forward while they are succeeding. The world needs this, for it is full of orphans. For the first time in my life, I'm truly understanding this.

I am an orphan, and wherever you are, I need you too.

In My Weakness...

It's no secret to anyone who knows me that the last few months have been some of the hardest of my life. I've been faced with many things I never thought I would have to face. We all have our own inner battles, we all have our imperfections that need to be worked out with God. Some people would look at my past few months and say, "What a wimp. He didn't have to go through anything hard at all." And in some ways they'd be correct. I didn't have any deaths in the family, I didn't have to face a critical disease or sickness, etc...  But then again, I've faced those things at other points in my life and dealt with them pretty well. Some people collapse when the outside world is collapsing, others rise. I'm a riser. That's not my weakness.

No, in some ways my weakness is much weaker and almost embarrassing. I've learned the past few months that the greatest weakness in me is that, after years of working toward the desires of my heart and sacrificing for them, I actually started to think I deserved those things. In short, I allowed myself to fall into the ugly mindset of entitlement. I don't know how it happened, I don't know when. But somewhere in the past couple years I made an agreement that moved beyond hope into expectancy, but the wrong kind of expectancy. Somewhere along the line I made an agreement that said, "I've lost my parents, I've struggled financially, I've fought to get through school. So when I graduate I WILL get mine, because I deserve it." Instead of making my expectancy reliant on God's nature, instead of trusting that whatever He had was good for me and part of the plan of growing me toward good things, I fully formed my expectancy from my own plan.

Now whether or not that plan was good or bad is irrelevant. My plan was to finally get into ministry in order that I could help people encounter the love of God. My plan was to finally have steady income to take care of my family, be more generous, and to build toward the inheritance of my kids and grandkids. My plan was, after years of transplanting my family, to finally plant in a community and become a part of it. All in all, not a bad plan. In fact, it's a plan I truly believe God has for me as well.

But somehow, somewhere, I made the plan my hope and my future. I made the plan my security, and I moved God to second place.

As a recent graduate of ministry school who wants to teach, preach, and father others into their identities with God this is a very hard thing to admit. I've never expected myself to be perfect or any other nonsense that other leaders fall into, but in some ways what I've done is worse.

The process of discovering this and recovering from it has been one of the most difficult points of my life. Some of that process is covered in my previous blogs. I look back on some of what I've written and find it foolish. I've even been tempted to pull them down instead of embarrassing myself. But I've decided against it. It's important to see process. It's important to know the struggles of others in order to know the full extent of their victories. It's important to see the full power of God's grace. I think of C.S. Lewis writing A Grief Observed, and the courage it took to publish that book. I think of how that book has helped me many times in my life. I don't know if my blogs will ever do that for anyone else, but if I pull them down they will never have the chance.

My victory is still not complete, but there's light now. I see so much that I couldn't see before. Lewis writes at the end of A Grief Observed that he had been like a person in pitch black, who suddenly heard a sound that alerted them to the fact that he had never been as alone as he had perceived because of the darkness. How his perception had been wrong the entire time. I feel the same.

I do not know what God is doing in my life, but I know He is doing something. It would have been so easy for me in the past few months to fall into the trap of believing God was somehow not good, or that He had abandoned me. There were moments when I was on the brink, especially because my emotions did feel that way. But thankfully the foundation bred in me is deep and strong. I could no sooner start to believe those lies then I could believe that the earth was flat. To change those beliefs would have meant creating a new faith, it would have meant rewriting my history. A history that runs deep with miracles, love encounters, and intellectual depth. For all the hell my emotions were running through they never could quite overcome one of my stronger traits, that of honesty.

And so I've been processing and processing, and I will continue to process more. There is still so little I understand about why I'm where I'm at. There is still so little come to fruition from what I've sown over the years. I still have days where it's extremely difficult for me to face what I feel is great disappointment in my life. It's difficult, but it once seemed impossible. I'm ok with baby steps forward.

For now, I'm learning how to be content in every circumstance. I'm learning how to worry only about the day I'm in and leave the future to the future. Life is sometimes a harsh teacher, but it is still a teacher. For all the things we must deal with whether from God or totally apart from Him, He still uses it. At the basest level He's always teaching us, it's just up to us whether we want to learn the lesson or keep ignoring it. I see now that He had to allow my dreams to be stripped bare. He had to allow my expectancy and my entitlement to be crushed. He had to allow it in order that He can teach me the right way to do it. He had to remind me that He was enough, and if I seek Him first all these other things will follow.

I'm still learning. I'm not there yet, but I can finally see the course I'm on. The inner pain which was so searingly hot before is now the beginnings of fresh scars. Still not fully healed, still a little irritable, but no longer leaking life.

I wrote some weeks ago that I was learning to let go of my expectations. While I wrote cynically I now see that the message was not altogether wrong. The heart was, but not necessarily the message. I did have to move beyond my expectations in order that He can grow in me new ones. In order that He can grow them with the right focus. At the moment, I'm at a lack. My expectations are gone, my hopes and dreams are unfocused and rudderless. But it's ok. As I grow to make Him my hope and dream the rest of the blanks will fill in.

Recently Kris Vallotton, the founder of Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry of which I graduated, remarked that He was afraid that the message they were teaching about God's goodness had inadvertently bred alumni who felt entitled. When I first heard him voice this concern I agreed, for I saw it in myself. I no longer do. The truth is, it's not the fault of the school. They are simply teaching a truth and steering their students toward God in a way that most Western Christians have somehow overlooked in all their pursuit of knowledge and logic. It's a truth that needs to be spread. The real problem is human nature. When we find out we have a wonderful God who's not mad at us, a loving Father in heaven who cares about our desires and will always take care of us then the natural course of the fallen nature is to get spoiled. You need look no further than the upbringing of most wealthy children to know that it is true. The coinciding truth which removes that feeling of entitlement is not something which can be taught by theory but only experienced. It's not until we experience how flawed our own strength, planning, and logic is that most of us can move past that entitlement sense. Obviously some grasp these truths without struggle, but most of those that do have been humbled so much in their lives that they are already looking through the correct lens. It's easy to feel entitled when you learn that you cannot fail in God, what removes that entitlement is learning that the deeper truth is that the reason you cannot fail is because your "failures" still teach you. You "fall forward" so to speak.

These last months have been my advanced course in these things. They have been my "hell week", the week in which athletes are pushed so hard they cannot bear it any longer, in order to shock their systems into the shape needed to hold up under the grueling long season. I've encountered, fought with, been beaten down by, and been forced to re-conquer every weakness in my life this past season. Most of the time I've hated myself during it. Thankfully He never hated me. When I drank too much and dared to listen to Him all He'd say was, "I love you, I'm proud of you." When I was distant from my family in depression He'd tell me "You're doing good, hang in there." When I screamed and cried out curse words in my hurt and despair He'd wait for me to calm down, and then I could feel the warmth of His smile on me. He is so good, and He is so loving. He has just been waiting on my process, loving me the whole time. I don't deserve it for a second, but He doesn't care. He refuses to give up on me, and He refuses to treat me any less than a redeemed son. I've gone through my "dark night of the soul" and found that the darkness was simply the dark in me being brought to my attention. He's been letting me hit bottom in order to build me back up better.

For the first time in my life I feel like I truly understand what has long been my favorite verse. I'm learning to rejoice in my weakness in order that He can make me strong.

Raw Process

So today I'm sitting at McDonald's while my kids play in the Playplace after ingesting a healthy (irony!) dose of chicken nuggets and fries. If for no other reason, I love McDonald's for giving parents a place to sit with Wi-Fi and a giant fenced in playground that has no high places to fall from. In other words, McDonald's gets that sometimes parents just need a guilt-free break where both they and their children are happy and entertained. And just in case I need a refill, they're free. God bless you for that McDonald's!

Another reason I'm grateful is because some days you just need to be able to process. With a pregnant wife at home and three small children (so far...) getting away to do so is a tall order. So do I care that a creepy clown wearing too much yellow is staring at me while I do so (Ronald you've been wearing the same thing since the 60s, it's time!)? Um, heck no. This is the life of a parent.

Lately I find that most of my thought life consists of "why?" As in, why am I in Texas? Why did I have to move away from the home that I loved? Why am I stuck at yet another job that barely pays and I don't care about? Why would God spend so much time to build me up to not open any doors for me into anything I'm built to do? I hate "whys". Especially when there are no answers, at least no answers that make much difference. Unfortunately I can't escape them.

It's even worse when I check into my emotions. I have this incessant feeling of wanting to weep, and yet I can't actually do it. Somehow I know if I could there would be some release but the few times I've been willing to try and go deep, the tears never come.

Then there's the guilt. The guilt that I feel about the fact that I should be better than this. I should just be thankful for the fact my family is healthy and safe. Thankful that we have pretty much everything most people could ever ask for. I'm not lying when I say that I am thankful for that. Partly because I'd be stupid not to be, partly because I know what it's like to not have those things. And yet that thankfulness hasn't spread to my emotions. It hasn't taken away my questions. It hasn't changed the need in me for MORE.

I've never known a feeling quite like this. This lingering despair inside me despite favorable outward circumstances doesn't make sense. I want to dissect it to figure it out. But when I try it turns out not to be an autopsy of a past season but rather a painful vivisection where the patient is still alive, strong, and very averse to deep cuts. To cut deeply means to experience not only onsets of gushing blood, but also to encounter the kicking and screaming of someone desperately crying "STOP!!!" This is a patient who doesn't want to be cured. At least not until there's a diagnosis. But right now the diagnosis would be far too painful to get, requiring a biopsy without any numbing tools. The only choice at the moment is to live with the problem. It might not go away but at least it can be managed.

And manage I do for now. Day to day listlessly moving, looking for every instance of small joys and satisfactions just to keep going forward. The hug of my child, the victory of my sports teams, the dinner with friends, etc... These are the pills I pop. The pain I feel isn't so much gone but rather I've gotten more used to it. It's less now a frustrating new phenomenon but rather the familiar devil. I can mostly pretend it's long gone now. But when I actually look it's still there, a grinning sadist who keeps the dagger pressed in but always chooses neither to finish the job nor to pull back.

The one thing I know for sure about all of this is that now I can see clearly just how badly I was broken. Even the fuzziest eyesight sees lights and colors, and I believe that is what I'm starting to see. Legally blind but no longer in the dark, I can equate it to the person who was left at the altar by the love of their life. You still live, you can even find enjoyment in life. But rebounds are rebounds. Their fleeting pleasure may put salve in the wound but it still needs stitches. It still needs to heal over before you can operate at 100%.

Such are the feelings I find myself still facing.

And where is God in all of this? I know He's out there. I occasionally even feel His presence still. I hear Him saying He loves me. I hear Him saying it's going to be ok. As much as I'm capable I believe Him, although I'd be lying to say it's more than just an extension of my will. What once was so deeply ingrained in me as to steer even my emotions now is a fleeting thought I hold onto only by choice. Hope? I guess. If hope is simply choosing not to think of negative things then I'm doing better than before. But if hope is expecting better things to come than I am still sorely lacking. That kind of hope only awakens heartache.

What about faith? I still believe God is real. I still believe He's good. I still believe He even knows what's best for me and is somehow working that all out. What I've lost faith in is my own ability to have guidance for myself. I've lost the desire to have desires big enough that I need help to see them fulfilled. Dreaming has suddenly become a painful experience for me. Every glimpse I give myself or am given of the things I once loved to dream about just brings pain. As the lover watches his future leave with the turning away of his beloved, I feel the same. The last thing you want to believe is that you could ever love the same way again.

And that brings us to love. Even though I am currently incapable of letting it in, I still know I'm loved. I don't even know how, but I know. And while I don't really believe I will be able to love again, dream again, hope again as I once did, I can't ignore the fact that I've seen countless others restored. My heart doesn't believe it will ever happen again for me, but somehow I still know it will.

Which brings me to know that somehow, God is still at work in all of this. For I cannot feel any hope. I cannot bring myself to dream. I can't even face my emotions. I can't look at mountains without longing to go home, I can't think of the past few months without hating myself for risking it all. I can't look ahead in my life without thinking of how it all will come crashing down again if I even start to get excited. I fill my day with the distractions of work, football, podcasts, reading, movies and Playstation. Anything that means I don't have to look at myself or think about life. But amidst all this there is something still and small, inexpressible yet unwavering in me that knows, just knows, that this isn't forever. It's something that can only be God in me, for if it were only up to me it wouldn't be there at all.

The other day my wife told me that most of my blogs lately had been lifeless, and she was right. I'd been trying to dig up something that wasn't there. Trying to conjure passion that was really a flawed avatar of my real self. Now that I'm sitting here, processing at McDonald's (and just about ready for another refill), I can see why, and I really look forward to when it's over. I so look forward to finding joy in quiet moments again. I so look forward to optimism being my natural predisposition. I eagerly will embrace the moment I re-enter the feeling of hope, the actual joy of knowing everything is working out for the best. I so look forward to being able to love something so much I'd risk for it again. I miss that freedom, and thinking of these things even now wells my eyes up with tears. The missing of them is all I feel. But they will come back. Somehow, although I don't really believe it, I know they must, I know they will. I know they have to. Thank God for that.

You're Worth It

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

God knows we're worth it
    - Jason Mraz


I don't deserve the love of God. I really don't deserve any good thing. Which one of us does? I often feel like I do, but what a joke that is. What a dishonest feeling. We have all done so many horrible things to ourselves, to one another, we really don't deserve anything.

Even the best of us, those who probably have done more good than bad in the world, don't deserve a thing. It doesn't matter how you look at it. If you believe in God, then you don't deserve anything because your life is not your own. The very first sin in your life disqualified you from deserving anything, and which one of us has only sinned once anyways? If you don't believe in God, then you don't deserve anything either. How could someone who's life is a cosmic accident deserve anything? What a foolish notion that is.

What a funny word, deserve. Such a word of entitlement. How can we be entitled to anything? The best any of us could be is someone who truly only lives to improve the lives of others. That person, that perfect person who doesn't exist 100% of the time anywhere, might deserve something, but they wouldn't accept it anyways. They certainly would never feel entitled or "deserving."

Just the thought of deserving something means we don't deserve it. What a paradox.

Yet anyone who claims they've never felt they deserve something is a liar. I certainly would be. I feel it more often than I care for anyone to know.

Where does that come from? Who am I to dare think I deserve something?

In order to feel you deserve something, you have to believe you're worth something. You have to believe you and what you have to offer in life are valuable.

This is where it gets even crazier. How could we be worth anything? If there is a God and we are sinners against Him, there's no logical way we can have value. If there isn't a God and we are just here, we have even LESS worth. There is no meaning to our life and therefore no value to it.

But somehow we just know we are worth something. How is this possible?

There's only one truly possible answer; because God says we are.

We are worth something to God, and somehow we know it. Even the person who has chosen to turn his back on God and hate Him knows deep inside that he is worth something. Which of course, shouldn't make sense to this person. Because without God, you can't have a sense of value.

God says we're worth something, then He proved it by sacrificing the ultimate sacrifice. He entered a world full of sin, suffering,pain and torment and died just to have relationship with us again. He did this instead of wiping us all out and starting over. We didn't deserve it, we still don't, but we were worth it to Him.

He won't give up on us. Never. He hasn't given up on me, and I can't see why. I've sung praises to Him on Sunday morning and been drunk partying just hours later. There are very few sins I haven't committed at one time or another in my life. I've lied and I've cheated. I've manipulated people for my own purposes. I've felt entitled to a lot in my life and been ticked when I didn't get it.

And despite all this foul behavior, God still says I'm worth something. I'm worth something so dear to Him that He won't give up on me.

For a long time I've been trying to understand the love of God. For a long time I've been trying to decipher somehow how to explain it intellectually. I'm not alone. Much of the western church is doing the same thing.

But there is no explaining it. There is only experiencing it. As simple as that sounds it's not easy, because we make it hard. I've been a self-proclaimed Christian for most of my life, and I'm only just starting to understand this. Why? Because I, like so many others, keep making it hard on myself.

But He's not giving up on me.

My most amazing experiences with God are when I just shut up, get alone, and let Him take over. It's there where He speaks to me, it's there where I can physically feel Him. It's there where all my worries, all my fears, all my disappointments just fade away. It's there where I understand what peace, faith, and true love really are.

And somehow five minutes later I can go back to those things. But I'm learning that it's ok when I make that mistake. It's ok because I'm worth it, it's ok because He's never giving up on me.

I don't deserve it, but it's true. You don't deserve it either, but it's true.

I don't know about you, but that is a really freeing thought. I remember when I was entering my senior year of high school. My mom sat me down one night and said, "Paul, we trust you. You aren't going to have a curfew all year. Just be safe."

When she told me that, when she gave me that freedom, suddenly I didn't want to push any boundaries. I didn't want to fight for more. I had been given a great gift (just ask any 17 year old!), and I wanted to take care of it. I didn't deserve it. Just the year before I had been busted for partying and being in a car with a drunk driver who drove us into a river. Yeah, I definitely shouldn't have been trusted.

But they trusted me anyways. And because they did, I took ownership and didn't do anything all year to break their trust.

If only the church would realize that God has done the same thing with us. He's told us what is valuable to Him. He's explained to us what sin is. He's explained to us the consequences. But when we say yes to Jesus, He turns right back to us and says,

"Ok, you are in my house now. You are my beloved child. You can have as much relationship with me as you want. I've told you what is good for you and what isn't. I've told you how to please me. Now here's the keys. By the way, there's no curfew. And if you screw up, I'll still love you. I'll never give up on you, and together, we'll get there. How long it takes you is your decision, but I'm not going anywhere."

He doesn't give us a list of rules. He doesn't give us a list of "do this or else!" He gives us permission to grow. He gives us the ability to choose. We can keep choosing to sin and He won't love us any less. Yeah, we're definitely going to have to deal with the consequences of our choices, but Jesus isn't sitting there shaking His head at us. When we wreck the car of our lives and go to Him with our heads down, He runs to us and hugs us. He brings us home and invites us to rest with Him and get our wounds healed. He tells us that we probably won't get to drive for a while, but He isn't concerned about keeping things from us. He's concerned about getting us better prepared for the next one.

Why?

Because we're worth it. Because He won't give up on us.

If I could tell the people of the world one thing it'd be this: You are so loved. You are so amazing. God isn't mad at you. He's sitting at home thinking about you, waiting for you to come spend time with Him. No matter what you've done it's not enough. He's not planning how to punish you. He's not upset you haven't called. He's just eager to show you a better way. A better way that starts with never being alone again, because as long as you want Him around He'll be there with you. He's not going to track you down if you don't want Him to, but He'll come flying if you cry out in need for Him. He's the best Father you could ever hope for. We don't deserve Him, but it doesn't matter.

Because we're worth it. Because He won't give up on us.

Wow.

Surprise! The World is Actually Getting Better

"This, then, is how you should pray:

'Our Father in heaven,
Hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth, as it is in heaven...'"

         -Jesus

I see it almost every day. From postings on Facebook to stories in the news to predictions by Christian leaders.

"The President is trying to destroy America. It's like what's in Revelation!"

"The world is falling apart. These are the end-times!"

"The one-world government is forming."

"The last great war is coming."

*Insert whatever you've heard here*

People are getting scared by what they're seeing on TV or reading in the news. Every bad story seems to be yet another confirmation that the end is near. I mean, that's what Jesus warned us about right? There will be wars and rumors of wars, nations against nations, famines and earthquakes, and then persecutions (Matthew 24).

Yikes. Check, check, check and check!

But there's a problem here. The problem is that ALL of those could be checked off for the entire history of life since Christ said those words. That's not a misconception, it's a fact. Anyone who has studied history for more than five minutes can see that.

So why does it seem so much worse now? Yes, the rise of ISIS and the War on Terror can be scary things. They are definitely terrible things.

But compared to the Nazis and Japanese in World War II they are small-time.

Christians and other faiths are being killed for their beliefs by these terrorists. They are also being killed in India and China and other countries that don't believe in religious freedom.

But there was a time when no one lived in religious freedom. Especially not Christians. (Anyone ever heard of Nero?)

Ebola is killing thousands of people in Africa and now has come to America. Sure it hasn't killed any Americans yet, but it might.

But the Black Plague killed 1/3 of Europe, well over 20 million people. In 1918-19 a flu pandemic killed nearly 30 million people worldwide, including 700,000 Americans.

And yes, America as we know it is struggling. We are having a tough time getting our economy back on track and our government doesn't seem to be helping.

But have you ever heard about the Great Depression? Or how about the Civil War? America has survived FAR worst times in our history. This current struggle is a relative blip on the radar.

The astounding truth is that the world has been getting better for humanity for centuries now. The only thing which makes it seems worse is the fact that now we are inundated with 24-hour news cycles of bad news. Here's a news flash: Bad news SELLS. And it is EVERYWHERE. When once we didn't know much more beyond what one local paper reported on, we now have worldwide reports streaming in instantly. The world is better, but our access to information makes it SEEM worse.

Try turning off the news for a month, then notice how much better life seems.

Don't believe me? Let's look at some statistics.

In the last 80 years alone, life expectancy has risen by nearly 20 years (59.7 to 78.7) for the average American.

While the poverty rate has remained consistent for the past 50 years, the state of what poverty means has not. In America, most poor people have private shelter (home or apartment), television, a vehicle, easy access to food, and air conditioning. 

In most of the western world, including America, crime rates have been plummeting for 30 years straight.

This is in America, but the rest of the world is seeing improvements as well. You just have to do the research.

This isn't to discount the issues we do face. The facts are that people are still starving, even in America. We have plenty of problems to face and much of the world is not as blessed as we are.

But does that mean the world is ending? I can't find any evidence that supports that. Through all the atrocity in the world, through all the darkness, the truth is that there is still more light out there than there has ever been. We need to recognize this so that we can see that the battle is being won. Even though sometimes the improvements come slow, painfully slow even, and that they face setbacks, overall the improvements ARE coming.

Christians, we are some of the worst about this. We need to stop looking for reasons to expect the end and start living to improve what is before us. We also need to realize that we do make a difference when we work towards it.

And while some of us might still "yearn" for the "good ol days" of the past, we need to be honest and recognize that those times, even if they were "better" for us personally, might not have been better for the rest of the world. We need to celebrate instead that the world is, in fact, getting better, and do our part to make sure that trend continues.

I do believe that there will be an end to life as we know it here someday. But life is too short and the prophecies about that time too mysterious for us to dwell on trying to figure them out. Jesus was clear that not only He knew the time, only the Father. So why do we think we can figure it out? In the meantime, Jesus came to improve our lives and I believe that also means the world. If things are going to get worse before the end, well then we can tell that it's certainly not happening right now. But even it if was, it's not our place to worry about it.

Jesus was clear that we were to be ready, and by that He meant to be ready in our hearts and how we live. He never said to cry "wolf!" at every sign of bad news, provoking fear in the hearts of everyone in our path. That was never the intent of the Gospel. The Gospel is Good News, not focused on what was wrong with the world but instead focused on the solutions for the human heart.

So next time you hear someone proclaiming the end, just move on. Next time you hear that the world is falling apart, remember how much more blessed you are to live today than during a World War or under a time period where you'd be killed for believing the wrong thing. When problems become known, pray and think about how you can help instead of ringing the fear alarm, and trust that God will give the willing a solution. He's been doing it for millennia, He won't stop now. 

Letter From Daddy God

"Sweet child,
     I write you now because I want you to see, I want you to read, I want you to hold before you the words that still fall short of expressing my Love for you. If only you knew how vast the infinite depth of my feelings for you are! My lovely, precious child, the centerpiece of my affection.
     Before you existed I saw your perfect face and it made me glad. You have brought joy to me since the first thought of you. I made you just so I could delight in you, and so that I could share that delight as you came to know me.
     I know you have made mistakes, but my arms are still wide open for you. Come to me, I am waiting to pour my Love over you. I am excited to bless you! I love to give good gifts to my children.
    Cast your cares upon me and I will carry them for you. I never intended for you to carry the burdens you do. I want you to dream and to hope. I want to give you the desires of your heart. Trust in me, and I will always deliver.
    I know you have had disappointments, and life has often been hard for you. Do not lose heart for things will get better. You are growing so strong and I am so proud of you! I never wanted for you to go through the hurt you have, but I will always redeem it. In this life and for the rest of eternity, that is my promise to you. You only have to choose to receive.
    Dear child, I know things may not always be clear to you, but know that I have a plan for you. A good, pleasing, perfect plan for you! You are not only important to me, but significant! I made you in my image, and I breathe on every good deed you do. You cannot fail as my child, it is impossible.
    You have my permission to stop holding onto the past. You have my permission to move away from the shame of your past and present mistakes. When you come to me I not only forgive you, I wipe you clean. I no longer hold those things against you, I don't even remember them! Such is the fullness of my forgiveness and Love for you.
    I Love you. I Love you, I Love you, I Love you! Go forth in this. Know that I am with you, that I will never forsake you. Dream big and trust me to help you. What is important to you is important to me, from the smallest thing to the largest. I am a good Father, and I want you to know joy everlasting! My kingdom is one of joy and peace, and I will give you what you need to have both. You only have to look to me!  I will cover you and make a safe place for you.
    You are not alone, not now, not ever. I will be with you in your sufferings and in your victories. I am with you in the loud and the quiet times. I am here for you to cry with when you need to, and I am always ready to laugh with you!
   I am your Father, your Daddy. You are the apple of my eye and the desire of my heart. I believe in you even when you don't believe me or in me. I am always reaching out to you and speaking to you, you only need to pay attention. I Love you, my precious child. I can't say it enough, and I never will stop!
                        All my Love,
                                 Papa

Suicidal Thoughts (and Robin Williams' "Choice")

Meanwhile, where is God? This is one of the most disquieting symptoms. When you are happy, so happy you have no sense of needing Him, so happy that you are tempted to feel His claims upon you as an interruption, if you remember Him and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be-- or so it feels-- welcomed with open arms. But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and the sound of bolting and double-bolting on the other side. After that, silence. You may as well turn away. The longer you wait, the more emphatic the silence will become. There are no lights in the windows. It might be an empty house. Was it ever inhabited? It seemed so once. And that seeming was as strong as this. What can this mean? Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble?
                 - C.S. Lewis. A Grief Observed.

How does one even begin to describe the process of grief? Especially as a professed Christian? How do we communicate the desolation of the spirit in times of our hardest trials?

For nearly two years now, ever since the death of my parents, I have been in a process of grief. At first it was the deep grieving of losing the two people in my life who had always believed in me and encouraged me more than anyone else. They had been the one constant in my life throughout all the chapters of my life, and I know that without them as an anchor I would not be where I was now. The grieving started the moment they passed and has not yet fully passed. It still comes in waves, although the waves are further apart now.

Then just a few weeks ago I entered into another season of grieving, although a much different one, one much harder to describe. I lost a dream, a belief, an expectation. Over two years ago we decided to give up everything we knew in pursuit of a dream. My dream. We left home, we left community, we left financial stability, and we pursued something bigger. We got tired of playing it safe so we threw all our chips in. And after two years we reached the point where everything told us the payout was coming, until it didn't. And we lost.

Those who have never given up everything in pursuit of a dream will never understand. But when I received the phone call that essentially crushed the house I had been building something snapped within. My dream, my expectation of good things to come from my sacrifice, my faith that God would reward what I gave had been one pillar that had held me up after the loss of my parents. My wife and children had been another pillar. When that first pillar shattered the balance was tipped, and I came tumbling down. My family were no longer a pillar holding me up, but the life-boat which kept me from drowning.

It wasn't until the moment that my hopes for the past few years had been dashed that I finally felt like I had lost everything. I say felt, because it did feel that way, even if it wasn't true. Suddenly the loss of my parents took on much more weight as well. Suddenly it became impossible to see providence in my life. Suddenly I was left scrambling to find something to care enough about to keep pushing forward. The weight of my trials, starting two years before, had finally broken my spirit.

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. - Romans 12:15

When the apostle Paul wrote these words, I wonder if he knew, even then, how hard they would be to obey. The rejoicing part is easier, but anyone who says they never have a problem rejoicing with someone who receives a victory while we are still in the battle is lying. It is a very difficult thing to do. But as hard as that is I believe it is even harder to come back down into the battle from a place of victory. Mourning with those who mourn is difficult, for there is no party to get caught up into.

In the past couple years I have discovered that the majority of Christians may be the worst at this. While we have been extremely blessed by many believers, I have also found that there are few willing to get into the muck with me when I need them there. Christians are excellent at sending gifts or providing distraction, things which are very helpful to the grief-stricken. But sometimes you just need someone to cry with, someone who says "I know exactly how you feel" and then stop there. Because encouragement is wasted on the mourner. We don't need to hear how God has a plan in all of this. We don't want to hear that it's all going to be ok. We need to know someone understands and won't let us be alone in it.

Yesterday morning I picked up A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. It is the recording of his thoughts after losing his wife. As I read I began to weep. For the first time since the loss of my parents I was interacting with words of honesty, words of deep grieving that were exactly what I had been feeling. I finally found someone who understood. A part of my soul that had been neglected was finally being touched. Sadly it took a book to get there.

Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand. - Lewis, Grief pg. 25

'Because she is in God's hands.' But if so, she was in God's hands all the time, and I have seen what they did to her here. Do they suddenly become gentler to us the moment we are out of the body? And if so, why? If God's goodness is inconsistent with hurting us, then either God is not good or there is no God: for in the only life we know He hurts us beyond our worst fears and beyond all we can imagine. If it is consistent with hurting us, then He may hurt us after death as unendurably as before it.
Sometimes it is hard not to say, 'God forgive God.' Sometimes it is hard to say so much. - pg. 27

I would be lying if I said I had been the 'good Christian' during these times. I have struggled, and fought with God. I have felt alone and neglected by Him. I have, at times, wanted to die. If it hadn't been for the goodness in me which cares about my wife and children more than myself, I may have very well found a way. I do not know. I do know that we, as Christians, have far too long neglected mourning with those who mourn. We have expected the rationality of words of faith to keep them afloat and lead them to joy. Words that, through the view of the griever, are empty.

It is in the darkness of the soul one needs to simply not be left alone.

I think recently of the death of Robin Williams. Williams committed suicide for reasons that are not completely clear. Many openly grieved the loss of one of their beloved entertainers. Others derided those grieving for not caring more about the plight of others suffering at the hands of others. Popular blogger Matt Walsh wrote a blog saying "Williams made a choice."

But did he really? What choice is it when life has become so painful one simply cannot face it? Despite his money and fame, something inside Williams was broken. Something inside him considered himself a failure. Who are we to judge that? To judge him you have either a) never experienced such pain or b) overcome and forgotten.

I can speak from personal experience that suicide is only a "choice" in the most horrifying sense of the word. While suicide is, in a general sense, a selfish act, I don't believe that most suicidal thoughts are in the minds of selfish people. Suicidal thoughts go beyond logic, they come from places of intense pain. Do we judge the prisoner of war who finally gives the enemy secrets after suffering much torture? Of course not. Then why would we judge someone under the most mental anguish who isn't thinking clearly? No one wants to die unless the prospect of facing life is too painful.

I had my first suicidal thoughts as a teenager. I last had them just weeks ago. I felt utterly alone in the world for reasons I will not explain here. All that matters is that I was at a place I wanted to die. I was in so much mental and emotional pain that simply being hurt. Life seemed too much, and I too little to deal with it. Was I rational? Absolutely not. It's not rational to want to die when you have your health, you are not poor, you have a good family and friends. But when you don't believe anyone cares or understands what can you really find to live for? Sometimes knowing that you have no right to think such terrible thoughts makes you want to die even MORE.

I sympathize with Robin Williams because I have something he didn't have. I met Jesus at a young age, and that relationship has literally kept me alive. Without Him I don't believe I ever would have found strength to go on in my weakest times. I believe it's because of God that I have chosen life. He is the one who continually shows me why I need to keep going. He is the one that as a teen would not let me go too far in my thoughts without reminding me of future possibilities. He is the one that recently would not let me forget that I have a wife and kids who would suffer greatly without me. Even at my worst, I am valuable to THEM. I believe it is Jesus who speaks to me when I am at my weakest, and gives me strength to go on.

I don't know why I have this struggle other than I have a lot of pain in my life. These are thoughts that have attacked me since I was a young teen. Sometimes I have victory over them for years, sometimes only for days. It is a fight I live with and have to continually stay on guard against. It is a fight I would lose if I didn't have Christ in my life, and I would have lost a long time ago.

So when I hear that Robin Williams had "a choice," I am appalled at the ignorance of those words. If it were that simple, it wouldn't be an epidemic among men aged 15-44. Robin Williams was a victim, a victim of spiritual and mental darkness that only has one answer: Jesus. Anyone who judges him needs to get off their high horse and shut up.

It appalled me to see the backlash against those who grieved Williams. Is not one life worthwhile? Grief defies all logic. Grief attacks our emotions and stifles the mind. To judge an adult grieving is no different than judging a child who grieves. Our emotions remain the same. How did mourning Williams change what was happening to the Iraqis? To think we must choose one or the other is foolishness.

And grief still feels like fear. Perhaps, more strictly, like suspense. Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling. It doesn't seem worth starting anything. I can't settle down. I yawn, I fidget, I smoke too much. Up till this I always had too little time. Now there is nothing but time. Almost pure time, empty successiveness. pg. 33

I wish I could contact Lewis and express my gratitude for his honesty. To let him know the exquisite feeling of knowing I am not the only one who loves Jesus and yet still has struggled through my trials. To express to him the joy in finding the permission to just hurt sometimes. To share with him how refreshing it was to not have him say 'it will be ok', but rather just to show me.

When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of 'No answer.' It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though he shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, 'Peace, child; you don't understand.'
Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable. How many hours are there in a mile? Is yellow square or round? Probably half the questions we ask -- half our great theological and metaphysical problems -- are like that. 
To see, in some measure, like God. His love and His knowledge are not distinct from one another, nor from Him. We could almost say He sees because He loves, and therefore loves although He sees.

I once had a great man tell me, 'God would rather you yell at Him than turn away.' I see now the wisdom in that. As hard as my journey has been of late, there is hope. Dreams died will give rise to new dreams. My experience will help me to help others. My battles with God, and His willingness to love me through them, have only bonded me closer to Him.

Suicide and grief go hand in hand. The suicidal is always grieving something. Some grieve without going there, but others cannot avoid it without help. We need to listen to the words of Jesus and stop looking down upon those who can't pick themselves up, no matter what their resources are. We need to come alongside them and love them and meet them where they are at. Lectures are empty talk. Sometimes so is encouragement.

I believe that Robin Williams killed himself because he believed he had failed in his purpose of life, which by all accounts was simply to bring others joy. If Williams had had the one person to meet him where he was at he would probably still be here. One person to constantly show he was appreciated or understood. And if you think otherwise you just don't know. I know because a man dead 50 years was brave enough to bear his soul for us all to see, and the tear stains on the pages are my memory stone of that. Suicide is rarely the person's "choice", it's the choice of all of us who don't reach out to love them.

The Osteens Aren't the Problem, YOU are

Round and round it goes. When we western Christians get bored of complaining about the current state of our country we decide to go after one of our own. Of course, we don't just go after anyone, we always choose to slander someone who is successful because, God knows, success is an indicator of devilish works. Right?

The latest round is another retread. We have decided to come up in arms against Joel and Victoria Osteen's ministry. The current story is that Victoria Osteen preached recently and said the following quotes*:

"Realize that when we obey God, we're not doing it for God... we're doing it for ourselves."

"Do good for your own self. Do it because God wants you to be happy. When you come to church, when you worship Him, you're not doing it for God, really-- you're doing it for yourself, because that's what makes God happy. Amen?"

While preaching this, Joel was in the audience and nodded along in approval. According to many american Christians, this was the final proof that the Osteens are heretics.

Crazy right? Maybe not. Maybe you are one of those people who thinks that. Famed blogger Matt Walsh certainly thinks so, which he expresses in his latest blog Joel Osteen and His Wife are Heretics, and That's Why America Loves Them. And of course Matt must know since he knows the Osteen's so well on a person level...

Oh wait, he doesn't? Well wouldn't that be um... slander then? And wouldn't that be a sin? Hmm... maybe Matt Walsh should look at the log in his own eye before going after the speck in another's instead of being a judgmental hypocrite. Hey I didn't say it, Jesus did.

But I digress. I don't want to go after Matt Walsh or anyone else on a personal level. I don't believe that's what Jesus wants. In fact, I believe Matt Walsh and others going after the Osteens legitimately love God and feel like they are doing something good for His Kingdom.

Unfortunately in doing so they are not only creating more problems in the church than solving, but they are also showcasing a major problem that already exists in the western church.

Namely, stupidity.

"Whoa that's harsh! Step it back a minute!"

Fine, fine. I'm sorry. I shouldn't use the stupid word, that'd be mean, like, calling someone a heretic or something.

What I really mean is that western Christians in general have committed an atrocious sin. That sin is ignorance. We have fallen into the same trap as the Pharisees did in the time of Jesus. We have made tradition more important than truth. We have stopped exploring the scriptures for ourselves and instead adopted whatever has been spoon fed us through our culture. As a result, we have begun to read the Bible through the lens of tradition and not on its own merits.

As a result we get what is happening with the Osteens. We find someone who thinks differently and we slander them. Why? Because anything countering our tradition scares us. Because we can't really answer what they are saying with truth. Because what they are saying maybe IS the truth and it scares us.

"Wait, WHAT?!"

Yep. I just said it. What Victoria Osteen preached the other day WAS the truth. To be fair, it wasn't ALL of the truth, but there was nothing heretical about her words.

Now before you go start calling me a heretic or a false prophet, let me quote someone we western Christians long ago decided to trust as an authority in the faith. You know, a little guy named C.S. Lewis.

The following are quotes from his book entitled, "Reflections on the Psalms" in the chapter "A Word About Praising."

"(I)t is in the process of being worshipped that God communicates His presence to man."

"In the central act of our own worship of course this is far clearer-- there it is manifestly, even physically, God who gives and we who receive."

"I think we delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not merely expresses but completes the enjoyment; it is its appointed consummation."

"Fully to enjoy is to glorify. In commanding us to glorify Him, God is inviting us to enjoy Him."

"The duty exists for the delight."

Ok I'm ready, who wants to call Lewis a heretic? C'mon! I'm waiting... No takers? Huh? Why not? I mean, isn't that basically what the Osteens were saying?

Let me present a question. Does God need us to worship Him?

Anyone? Ok maybe that was too hard. How about; Does worshipping God change Him?

The answer, obviously, is no. So why do we worship God? Why does He command our worship?

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things. Phillippians 4:8

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-- His good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew 6:21

The Bible is clear that we are to think about true, noble, right, pure things. What is more true, right, lovely, pure and right than God? Nothing! Worship is turning our thoughts and affection towards the perfect one. It changes us. By worshipping god we make Him our treasure, which becomes where are heart is. As a result our minds are renewed, for by making God our focus we are transformed.

And why do we do all this? We do it FOR US.

WE are the ones who need to be changed. WE are the ones who need to shift our focus. God is perfect and immutable, He won't change if 1 person worships Him or 10 billion. Worship is NOT for God, it is for US. He commands us to worship Him because He knows that it is GOOD FOR US.

This is something the Osteens understand. Notice in Victoria's quote she said, "WHEN we obey GOD." She didn't say, "When we do whatever we want..." She said, "When we WORSHIP God" not, "When we worship ourselves..."

You see what I mean about the problem of stupidity? It is rampant! Her context was clear. The context of the Bible was clear. C.S. Lewis understood it, other great time-tested Christians understood it, why can't we?

But I'm not done! The Bible is full of incentives for worshipping and obeying God. Leviticus 26:1-13 is full of listed rewards for obedience. Here are some others:

The Lord rewards everyone for their righteousness and faithfulness. 1 Samuel 26:23

By them (commandments) your servant is warned; in keeping them there is great reward. Psalm 19:11

Trouble pursues the sinner, but the righteous are rewarded with good things. Proverbs 13:21

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him. Hebrews 11:6

And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands, for My name's sake, shall receive a hundredfold, and inherit eternal life. Matthew 19:29

This whole notion that we are obeying God for the sake of God is not a biblical concept. God does not NEED us to obey Him. We obey God for OUR sake. We obey God so that we can do good things on earth and be rewarded. We obey God so that we can grow CLOSER to God, which is the ultimate reward! If God needed us to obey Him, why wouldn't He just destroy us and start over? Because He loves us? It's not very loving to have children doing stuff for YOUR sake. Right parents?

God disciplines us for OUR good, not for His (Hebrews 12:10).

God also DELIGHTS in us! He cares about the desires of our hearts! Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

Why is it so hard for us to get this in the western world? This doesn't mean there won't be suffering and hardship. It doesn't mean we won't go through hard times. It DOES mean that God cares about us and He gives us commands to HELP us.

The Osteens understand this. C.S. Lewis understood it. The western Church is trying hard not to.

Every Christian who has jumped onto the "hating Osteens" bandwagon should be ashamed of yourselves. They are not heretics, they are not false prophets. Everyone who actually knows them loves them and vouches for the sincerity of their hearts. It's only those who don't know them who are attacking them.

Shame on you. All of you. It's time to stop going after people and start focusing on fixing ourselves. The world sees us backbiting each other and wants no part of it. Jesus prayed for unity, and all we're doing is nitpicking those who are in the spotlight when we should be praying for them most of all. THEY are the ones on the frontlines, doing far more good than we are.

And if you're going to resort to slandering someone as a person, you better look deep inside and see why you feel the need to do that. It says nothing about them, it says a whole lot about you.

*I must note that these quotes were gathered secondhand as I could not find a firsthand transcript. Since I'm taking these quotes from a blog that strongly criticizes the Osteens, it is entirely possible that it's a misquote. My response, nevertheless, will be entirely to the quotes as I discovered them.

Bethel Church and the New Age

Lately there have been allegations against Bethel Church in Redding, CA, that the church is, in fact, being used as a vessel of combining the New Age with Christianity, and therefore creating some sort of heretical hybrid. These claims assert that Bill Johnson, the leader of Bethel church, is front and foremost leading in this direction. These are serious allegations, for if true they would also mean that Bill Johnson and the leadership at Bethel is not merely deceived, but also actively promoting a plan of deception which elevates the kingdom of darkness over the Kingdom of God. This would make Bill Johnson and his leadership team false teachers and prophets. Not a charge to be taken lightly.  As a former student of Bethel's School of Supernatural Ministry, I have decided that I would like to address the allegations specifically made in Lighthouse Trails Research booklet entitled, The New Age Propensities of Bethel Church's Bill Johnson.  

Before I continue it should be noted that the majority of these allegations are in response
to writings in the book The Physics of Heaven, written by Judy Franklin and Bill Johnson. It should also be noted that I spent two years learning, serving, worshipping, and being fully immersed in the culture of Bethel's church. I am also an educated minister of the Gospel, I believe fully in scripture as the immutable Word of God, I believe in the Triune God, and I believe in Jesus Christ as Lord and savior and as the only way to the Father. I also, before attending Bethel, was a huge skeptic and critically analyzed them well before I ever even thought of attending the school. Therefore I believe I am perfectly suited to respond to these allegations from people who have done nothing but read a book and take quotes out of context to reach a verdict.   

Allegation #1: Bill Johnson believes in "kenosis", a teaching that Christ laid aside His divine attributes and walked the earth as a completely limited, human man.  

The real truth is that Bill Johnson teaches OVER and OVER again that Jesus was both 100% God AND 100% man. I have personally heard him say this close to 100 times. However, Johnson also does teach that Christ limited His divinity in order to walk as man. But is that un-Biblical or even "kenosis" as the writers at Lighthouse believe?   First of all, it's obviously not un-Biblical to believe that Jesus limited Himself as a man.  Jesus was in flesh and bled and died. It's  common sense that He would have to limit Himself in order to live like that. The Bible also tells us that Jesus went hungry (Matt. 4:2) and that Jesus was tempted (Luke 4:2, Hebrews 2:18). So the logic would be that if "kenosis" weren't at all true in regards to Jesus, then God in heaven is also going hungry at times, is suffering pain, and has to fight through temptation.

To argue otherwise is unbiblical, and I would argue that to believe that is actually the heresy.  The verb of "kenosis" actually is used in the New Testament 5 times, including in Phil. 2:7 when it says that Jesus "emptied Himself."  

But let's not stop there. Maybe the writers at Lighthouse mean something else. Maybe they meant "Kenotic Theology." I was unfamiliar with what this was, so I researched and found an excellent article by apologist Dan Musick which broke down "Kenotic Theology" as follows:  

a) It destroys the integrity of the atonement by assuming that Jesus wasn't a perfect sacrifice.

b) It distorts the Christian view of the incarnation. 

c) They deny the immutability of God

d) It undermines the monotheistic distinctive of the Christian faith.       

  The logic here is that if a "kenotic" doesn't believe that Jesus was fully God as well as fully man, the sacrifice of Jesus was a lesser sacrifice, one that couldn't possibly have accomplished what the Bible tells us it did. That a "kenotic" wouldn't understand the divine nature of Christ, and that a true "kenotic" is somehow seeing Jesus as a separate God.   

It is here that I will say from my own experience under Bill Johnson I have never heard anything but awe and wonder when it comes to the atonement. Johnson also fully believes in the perfection of Jesus as God. Here are his own words from Face to Face with God in a chapter titled Jesus: The Face of God.    

 "One of the most important features of the gospel message is that the nature of the Father is perfectly seen in Jesus Christ. Jesus was a manifestation of the Father's nature. Whatever is thought to be in conflict between the Father in the Old Testament and the Son in the new Testament is in fact wrong. All inconsistencies in the revelation of the nature of God between the Old and New Testaments are cleared up in Jesus christ. Jesus demonstrated the Father in everything He did. In short, Jesus is perfect theology. (pg. 106)    

   …The portrait of God the Father, as seen in Jesus Christ, is wonderfully clear. (pg. 107)   

    ... To say that Jesus came both to manifest the face of God and illustrate the quest for His face may sound a little confusing, but both are true." (pg. 108)      

 If that doesn't sound like a man convinced that Jesus was God then I don't know what does. My personal experience testifies that Bill Johnson believes in the full divinity of Jesus, and so do his own written words. This is a false accusation against the man, easily disproved. Bill Johnson, in no way whatsoever, is a "kenotic theologian".   

Allegation #2: Bill Johnson and Bethel believe in a Second Pentecost and are Dominionists       

In two years at Bethel there are two things I never once heard: Second Pentecost, or "Dominion" in regards to modern believers taking over the world. Even the writers at Lighthouse fully reached this conclusion based on three quotes from one book, and only one of the quotes even says the word "dominion" (the quote which didn't come from someone at Bethel, I might add), and none of the quotes contain the words "Second Pentecost." 

 The truth is that Bethel doesn’t believe in a Second Pentecost. It believes we only needed the one. Bethel does believe that each generation has the chance to surpass the previous generation in terms of revelation of God and in terms of how to live in the Spirit. They also believe that as the Spirit moves things will actually get better on earth. So if that is "dominionism" so be it. It's how they interpret Scripture and it's how I interpret scripture, but there's nothing unscriptural about it.      

I would say that if one does think there is something unscriptural about it, then stop helping people, because you shouldn't be trying to improve the world if it can't be improved. Also, put down your C.S. Lewis book, because Lewis couldn't possibly have revelation that you couldn't get from the Bible, could he? The truth is, inside we all believe what Bethel teaches on this, we just don't allow ourselves to say it. Otherwise no Christians would ever work to improve the world, nor would we ever listen to a preacher or read a book to further our understanding of God.      

This twisted logic is a waste of time and fully displays how far the writers at Lighthouse are reaching to attack someone when they really don't have much to attack about.   

Allegation #3: Bethel believes that God will use sound to impart power on believers       

What is the big deal here? Sound is somehow now New Age? Sound is actually a very biblical representation of God's work. C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien both wrote in their fiction that God used sound to create the universe. Last I checked no Christian had any problem with those guys.  

  Lighthouse's writers assert that in The Physics of Heaven the writers are making God a "cosmic quantum force" instead of a "Creator separate from His creation." They base this assumption on the fact that the writers of the book talk about God using sound to impact creation, and that maybe there are some keys in that sound.      

It should be noted that the BIble is full of verses describing the power of sound. Joshua wins the battle of Jericho with sound. The sound of the trumpet announces battles. The sound of the Spirit at Pentecost was "like a rushing wind". God's voice was like the "sound of many waters" (Ezek. 43:2). God sends His angels with trumpet sounds (Matt. 24:31). David wrote that "deep calls unto deep at the noise of your waterfalls" (Psalm 42:7). The raising of Ezekiel's bones are preceded by a great noise (Ezek. 37:7). 

    There is nothing anti-Biblical about the notion of sound carrying power in it. In fact I would argue the opposite. The notion that this idea comes from the New Age is simply wrong. It predates New Age beliefs by thousands of years! If anything, this belief originally comes from the Bible. If the writers at Lighthouse actually used history while researching these things, they would realize that. This is the biggest issue with what the writers at Lighthouse are trying to assert. They claim that these are New Age beliefs, but that claim doesn't hold up historically or Biblically. 

    Bethel does believe that the New Age has stolen many ideas from Biblical Christianity. If the readers of Lighthouse had ever read anything by Christian mystics from previous generations (writings recognized by many traditional churches both Catholic and Protestant) that pre-dated New Age beliefs, they would learn that Bethel is actually correct in this, and they are the ones who are wrong.     

Allegation #4:Bethel believes in Contemplative Meditation

This allegation is 100% true, kind of. What isn't true is the heart of the allegation. The heart of the allegation is that Bethel believes in New Age meditation, which requires the emptying of one's mind. Bethel does not endorse such meditation in any way. Bethel believes in "Contemplative Meditation" which is taking scripture and then meditating on it. 

    You know, just like Isaac did (Gen. 24:23) 

    And Joshua did (Jos. 1:8) 

    And David did (Psalm 4:4, Psa. 63:6, Psa. 77, Psa. 119) 

    And Malachi (Mal. 3:16) 

    And Paul (Phil. 4:8, 1 Tim. 4:15).  

I studied under Bonnie Johnson (no relation to Bill) for a class. She was specifically teaching upon the mystics and she EMPHATICALLY taught about how Christian meditation is about filling the mind and not emptying it. Bill Johnson and Beni also taught the same.  

This allegation is once again one made by people who have taken things out of context and have actually no idea what they are talking about. This is a very clear example of their desire to attack Bethel simply for the sake of attacking it, when the truth is that with just a little more research they would have found that they are wrong.  

Conclusion:  

   Finally, there are other smaller allegations made, but it all comes down to one thing, do Bill Johnson and Bethel really believe in pursuing the New Age and marrying it with Christianity?  

The answer, flat out, is NO. What Bethel does believe is that the New Age belief system has taken parts of truth and twisted them. It also believes that the church has grown so afraid of these things because of this that the Church is avoiding reclaiming much of what God meant for us.  

Bethel, in this case, is absolutely right.  

I can attest personally that Bethel would never pursue something that is against the words and nature of the Bible. I can attest to that as someone who was there for two years and spent as much as 50 hours a week in their school and church. I got to know many of the leaders as well as other staff members. To make such a terrible claim against them is actually offensive to me, as many of them are some of the most amazing, wonderful, caring, and honest lovers of God that I have ever known.  

When it comes to New Age things such as meditation, energy, and sound, who is the uneducated person who honestly thinks those ideas originated in the New Age movement? The Bible and the writings of believers (many of them saints in the Catholic church) for hundreds of years spoke of such things in connection with God long before New Age beliefs came along. Bethel is merely making the attempt to reclaim them, rightfully so, for the church.  

This is not something new in the Church, it is simply something that has been forgotten. At one time Christmas and Easter were pagan holidays, but that turned out pretty good for us didn't it? 

My conclusion is that the writers at Lighthouse have been intellectually dishonest in their slandering of Bill Johnson and Bethel church. I say this as someone who is both historically and theologically well-educated, as well as someone who actually knows the people being slandered. I find the pamphlet written by Lighthouse to be terribly lacking in any real research. It has no journalistic integrity either, as it made no attempts to either interview the people it is attacking, nor to interview people with actual experience with Bethel church or Bill Johnson. The pamphlet also shows that writers either blatantly ignored or simply do not know well their scripture or their history. Things that should be well researched before attacking the reputation of others.  

  Bill Johnson, and others at Bethel, are amazing people who have a lot to teach us. Before you make your decision based upon some angry, poorly researched blog, do what I did, and go to the source. You won't be disappointed.