As a parent of 4 young kids, I am ready to admit that I constantly mess up. I am always learning and constantly being humbled. Along with my marriage, my kids are the greatest treasure and responsibility in my life. They bring me more joy than I ever imagined as well as more challenges. They have taught me that parenting is a whole lot of trial and error, especially because each kid is different. What works for one doesn't work for another, and so on.
Like any parent, I want to make as little mistakes as possible. As a result I have read parenting books and watched parenting videos. I have taken what I believe worked well from how I was parented and tried to weed out what I believe were mistakes.
As someone who has relationship with God through Jesus, I also know that there is only one perfect parent; God the Father. He parents us all perfectly, and therefore I know that He is the one I want to emulate the most. Not only because I want to be a good parent, but also because my wife and I are the people most responsible for giving our children their first impressions of what God is like. Not because we are perfect and all-powerful, but because we are the first real authority in their lives. We teach them what it is like to have a constant presence in their lives that is ultimately in charge. We can either launch our kids off to a strong start to success in life and relationship with God, or we can miss the mark and leave our kids with mountains to overcome and wounds to be healed from. It's our choice.
I want to do the former for my kids. I'm sure we all do! So for what they are worth I'm going to share what God has taught me about parenting. Obviously I'm not perfect in following these, but that's ok. That's where Grace comes in. But I try to follow these principles as best as I can, and let the rest of my parenting fall within the parameters of them. Hope they will help you too!
1) Discipline is different than punishment.
God disciplines His kids (Hebrews 12) but there is no Biblical precedent for Him punishing them. After the wrath of God was sated by Jesus' death, the only mentions of punishment in the New Testament are when Hell is being talked about or in regards to governmental authority. In other words, because of Grace punishment only comes as a natural result of our choices. Worldly authority can punish those that are living against the rules (usually endangering others) and then Hell naturally punishes those that want nothing to do with God (Hell is the only place totally absent of God). But there is no mention of God punishing anyone.
Why?
Punishment is about paying a price, while discipline is about leading and growing someone into success. There is no redemption in punishment, there is no rehabilitation. God never does anything that doesn't help us grow. He is always focused on us first of all developing deeper relationship with Him, and secondly growing us to succeed in becoming more like Him (perfection).
Punishment is about finality, about serving penance. As parents we are never to be done with our kids. As parents we should never do anything to our kids that doesn't assist them in growing to be better. This is why it is never a good idea to discipline out of anger, for in anger we are usually seeking to merely punish and we miss the aspect of discipline. As parents we need to accept the fact that our kids don't owe us anything. They are our responsibility, we are not theirs. Everything we do should be about steering them forward and not about halting their process. That is the difference between discipline and punishment.
2) A good parent never stops believing in their children.
This should go without saying, but unfortunately it needs to be said. God never gives up on us. Ultimately we can choose whether or not we give up on Him, but He is never the one who makes that choice. As parents we should never be the ones making that choice either.
3) A good parent gives their children freedom to fail.
This mostly applies as our children grow older. But God gave us free will for one reason, and it is that we could love Him freely. In doing this He risked that some would not love Him. He risked abandonment and heartbreak in order that we might live more fully. He chose to powerful creations in relationship with Him, instead of making us merely pets or slaves.
Our children are powerful. They are humans created in God's image. If we try to control them we are being a whole lot less loving than God has been with us. In trying to control our kids or manipulate them into doing what we want them to do or what we believe is best we are making their lives more about us than about them. True love is letting them go and assuring them that we will always be there for them. That's what God does for us, even when we are being foolish. He allows us to fail, but always gives us the option to return to the safe place that He is. Even if we turn our backs to Him He is always ready to pick up the phone and encourage us if we call. He lets us fail so that when we turn back it is real.
One of the best things we can do as parents is allow our kids to fail. When they are still in our house we will need to discipline them, but when they are out we just need to let them know we love them and are there if they need us. Offering advice is great, God does it with us. But manipulation, guilt, shame, whatever we want to use to try to force our kids into changing is ultimately the opposite of the heart of God for us. We can do better.
4) A good parent never stops encouraging.
This goes hand in hand with the last two. Jesus called the Holy Spirit the "Comforter" (John 14), and Paul says that God has given us eternal encouragement (2 Thessalonians 2:16). In other words, God's presence and words to us are always enveloped in comfort and encouragement. Even in disagreement God finds ways to encourage and comfort us.
If we are to be good parents, we need to find ways to always encourage our kids and comfort them. Even in our discipline, disagreement, or disappointment. Studies have shown that men especially list the encouragement of parents as one of their top reasons for success. Encouragement is a God-given strategy for building up successful, loving children. Our children should never leave a conversation with us without feeling loved and encouraged.
5) A good parent supports the dreams of their children.
The word "desire" when broken down literally means "from father" (de= of, from; sire=father). As children made in God's image our deepest desires were put there by God. Using discernment, we can tell which of our kids desires are pure, noble and good, and which are not. A lot of times our dreams for our kids may not match up with what is in their heart. As good parents we need to be able to let go of what our expectations for them may be.
It should be obvious that I'm not talking about supporting immoral or harmful desires that our kids may have (for some desires can come from another father, the "father of lies"). But if we really believed our child would be best as a teacher but they desire to be a musician, we need to support them in this, even if we can't see how it would be "successful." Some dreams are fleeting but still need to be attempted. While others may actually be desires deeply imbedded in their hearts by God, and the pursuit of those will ends up in success that far surpasses most of our imaginations.
The easiest way to shut down a child's passion and joy is to stomp out their dreams. It is also the surest way to guarantee them a life of failure. God knows this, which is why He gives us those desires in the first place (Psalm 37:4) and then encourages us to ask for whatever our hearts desire, according to His will (multiple times in John 15-16).
6) A good parent is quick to forgive and to ask forgiveness.
And now we've come full circle. Just as God lowered Himself to forgive us, we need to do the same to our kids. Every day. We also are all going to fail, and we need to humble ourselves and ask their forgiveness as well. Get over yourself, you're not perfect. You will make bad decisions, you will sometimes act out of anger or frustration. Our kids need to know that we love them enough to make things right.
Obviously God never needs to ask our forgiveness, for He's perfect. Yet He still gives us the formula that we need to emulate.
Forgiveness resets the standard, and we all need to constantly reset it. Once forgiven we are perfect until we screw up again. This is what Grace is all about. To be as close to perfect parents as possible, we need to be forgiven constantly. We also need to show our kids how forgiving God is. Nothing will attract them to Him more than to experience His mercy and grace.
Also, don't forget to forgive yourself!
7) There is so much more!
Who can fully know God? Only Christ. I hope these little revelations of mine prove helpful, but remember to constantly seek Him for your own revelations, and then share them with me!
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