Ladies, I have a request.
It might seem like I'm asking a lot, and maybe I am. But I need your help. I can't do it without you.
You see, for a long time now we men have been losing out identity. We have been losing track of who we are created to be. I would like to say it's no one's fault, but it's actually the fault of a lot of people. It's the fault of the media, the school system (especially higher education), and the political system. It's the fault of men who bought the lies that they were inherently evil and taught us to think the same, it's the thought of women who encouraged this thinking. Look, I'm not making this up. It has been explored by others much smarter than me (see here, or here, or here).
The world, at least those controlling most of our cultural thinking, has turned against us. Yeah, we put up a good fight for a long time, but we've tired. After years and years of being told we're terrible just for being male, after being given drugs as children simply because we had more energy, after being constantly taught that out natural instincts are oppressive and dangerously violent, we have really started to believe that there is something wrong with us. Of course, that doesn't change the way we feel. It doesn't change that we HAVE those instincts and desires. We can't just shut them off.
So we have gotten stuck. We've been told that women want companions more like them; soft, tender, compassionate, etc... but then when we act that way we get overlooked or rejected. We've been told that we shouldn't take as much risk, that we shouldn't be so bold, and that our instincts are wrong, so we stick it out in jobs that make us miserable because we are afraid of ourselves. We learn not to dream because our dreams are dumb. We have been taught that the things we like are bad, so we have grown resentful or depressed.
Because we are stuck we have started to retreat. Many of us have turned to pornography because we feel rejected by women. I know I did at one point of my life. Most of us are addicted to video games because in them we can be a part of a world where we matter, we make a difference. We have grown accustomed to living our lives artificially because in the outside world we don't feel safe to be ourselves. Or we turn to alcohol, simply to escape, or maybe to find courage that we would otherwise lack as our thinking gets hazy.
I'm appealing to you because I'm one of those men, and I don't even have it as bad as most. I was blessed to be raised by a real man who knew his identity and taught me much. I am still blessed to have a relationship with God which consistently gives me strength to get back on track. And yet, I still struggle despite these advantages. I struggle with fear of failure. I struggle with wanting to escape often. I struggle with whether or not it's ok to like the things I love; things like sports (especially football) or war movies. I struggle because I'm told that violence is incredibly evil, yet I want to jump at the chance to engage in competitive physicality. I don't want to hurt anyone, I just crave adventure and the thrill of the hunt.
I can't change these things about myself, neither can any of us men. But we're told its wrong. We live in places where there is little to no outlet for us. We live discouraged as a result. This is why many days my favorite two hours is at night when the family is sleeping, when I get to go explore new worlds or hit the game-winning shot... on my Playstation.
It might seem like I'm asking a lot, and maybe I am. But I need your help. I can't do it without you.
You see, for a long time now we men have been losing out identity. We have been losing track of who we are created to be. I would like to say it's no one's fault, but it's actually the fault of a lot of people. It's the fault of the media, the school system (especially higher education), and the political system. It's the fault of men who bought the lies that they were inherently evil and taught us to think the same, it's the thought of women who encouraged this thinking. Look, I'm not making this up. It has been explored by others much smarter than me (see here, or here, or here).
The world, at least those controlling most of our cultural thinking, has turned against us. Yeah, we put up a good fight for a long time, but we've tired. After years and years of being told we're terrible just for being male, after being given drugs as children simply because we had more energy, after being constantly taught that out natural instincts are oppressive and dangerously violent, we have really started to believe that there is something wrong with us. Of course, that doesn't change the way we feel. It doesn't change that we HAVE those instincts and desires. We can't just shut them off.
So we have gotten stuck. We've been told that women want companions more like them; soft, tender, compassionate, etc... but then when we act that way we get overlooked or rejected. We've been told that we shouldn't take as much risk, that we shouldn't be so bold, and that our instincts are wrong, so we stick it out in jobs that make us miserable because we are afraid of ourselves. We learn not to dream because our dreams are dumb. We have been taught that the things we like are bad, so we have grown resentful or depressed.
Because we are stuck we have started to retreat. Many of us have turned to pornography because we feel rejected by women. I know I did at one point of my life. Most of us are addicted to video games because in them we can be a part of a world where we matter, we make a difference. We have grown accustomed to living our lives artificially because in the outside world we don't feel safe to be ourselves. Or we turn to alcohol, simply to escape, or maybe to find courage that we would otherwise lack as our thinking gets hazy.
I'm appealing to you because I'm one of those men, and I don't even have it as bad as most. I was blessed to be raised by a real man who knew his identity and taught me much. I am still blessed to have a relationship with God which consistently gives me strength to get back on track. And yet, I still struggle despite these advantages. I struggle with fear of failure. I struggle with wanting to escape often. I struggle with whether or not it's ok to like the things I love; things like sports (especially football) or war movies. I struggle because I'm told that violence is incredibly evil, yet I want to jump at the chance to engage in competitive physicality. I don't want to hurt anyone, I just crave adventure and the thrill of the hunt.
I can't change these things about myself, neither can any of us men. But we're told its wrong. We live in places where there is little to no outlet for us. We live discouraged as a result. This is why many days my favorite two hours is at night when the family is sleeping, when I get to go explore new worlds or hit the game-winning shot... on my Playstation.
Ladies, the reason I need your help is because society has deemed you the favorites. Look, I know you still have your problems too. I know that there is plenty men need to do to help you as well. We need to assure you that you're beautiful, we need to pursue you, protect you, empower you. You need us, just like we need you. We men have harmed you, belittled you, taken you for granted. We really don't deserve your help.
But we need it.
The biggest reason we're not available to be what you need is because we have lost who we are. We have misplaced our identity. No, it's not all of us, not at all. But it is most of us. Most of us that are teenagers into our 40s. Those are the years most affected by this. The generations that have grown up being told we are messed up because we are male. We are the ones who have been raised in a society that consistently tries to rewire men into something we are not or ever will be.
So what am I asking for? Not a whole lot, at least, I don't think so. What we need from you is not an establishment of our identity as males. That's the job of our fathers and male mentors. It's their job to teach us how to be men, it's their responsibility (unfortunately many of them have failed us, but that's for another time). We shouldn't and couldn't honestly expect you to teach us how to be male, you wouldn't know where to start.
What we need isn't too hard, but it's incredibly important.
We need affirmation. We need to know it's ok to be us. We need to know you love us even when you don't understand us. I'm talking to you mothers, sisters, wives, and friends. As men we need to be encouraged and respected. I'm not asking you to support us if we're abusive or negligent. I'm not asking you to ignore and enable us if we are involved in an addiction. No, there are things that males tend to get involved in that are harmful which should not be made alright. My request is that the fear of those things does not create disapproval of male qualities that are good and inherent.
We crave adventure and risk which means that we will often fail as well as have great successes if we are living fully. We need encouragement and support through that. Most of us will automatically drift towards tales of heroism and valor, which means that most of us will enjoy movies which contain violence or will flock to sports. This isn't a character flaw, but rather a source of our inspiration. We want to be strong, we want to be courageous, and we want to use our strength for good. We need this to be encouraged and be free to pursue such things, even if you don't get it. It is when these things are not healthily pursued that men become repressed and turn to bitterness, rage, and then either harmful violence or detachment. Our good qualities get perverted into bad when we are not allowed to grow in them correctly.
I realize this might sound crazy to many of you, and that's fine. All we need is for you to listen and understand that this is what we need. We need these things to be better for you, for our families, and for ourselves.
Ladies, we adore you! Even those of us who have been hurt still crave your attention. We may be broken, we may have become bitter, but we can always come back.
The next time you hear that "chivalry is dead" please remember that it's not. It has been stifled and repressed, absolutely. But I assure you as a man that most of us really want to be chivalrous. Most of us really want to be your "knight in shining armor." We want to give you the things that make you come alive. The problem is that for years we've been told that those things which make us come most alive are wrong. We've been told that the world doesn't really want us, it just wants more women. So we either tried to be that and found we couldn't, or we just got tired of not being wanted. Either way, many of us have given up. With your help, we can find our way back. A little affirmation, encouragement, and freedom to go after those things that you don't quite understand will make a world of difference.
I know that most of you have been hurt by us as well, and I am sorry for that. We have failed you, over and over again. So I ask for your forgiveness as well. As a man I know that we make a lot of mistakes, but I also know that, given the chance, we can be really excellent at making up for those mistakes.
This may seem like a lot, especially if we've hurt you. But we need it. We need you. Please help us get back on track. We are so ready to come alive again, to retake our place in the grand scheme of things. To be real men full of strength and vision. Full of passion and tenderness, adventurousness and loyalty. The need for this return is great.
As a man who recognizes this issue I give you my word that I am doing what I can to give men back their identities. I father my son to be himself but to also value and cherish the difference in a woman. I love to mentor other men into knowing it's ok to be themselves. I believe in men being men. Real men, men who value and empower women while also pursuing their dreams. Men who are responsible but also unafraid. I believe it is a call on my life to help them become who they are meant to be.
And in my experience the scariest thing to these men is you. Women. They are terrified to disappoint you, they are frightened of being rejected by you. You have so much more power over how a man grows into manhood than you could possibly know. They want to be what they believe you want them to be, what the culture tells them you want. When they find out that it's all a lie they grow disheartened, they start to give up.
So please, let them know the truth. Let them know that you want a "nice guy" but that doesn't mean "feminized." Let them know that they can inspire you by being bold and brave. Give them the freedom to pursue their adventures.
We need you. Help us save a generation. Help us be men again. We can't do it without you.
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